ЪĿåċK đïâмόηĎ™

2011-12-23T02:07:00.000+08:00

Ok. my health is deteriorating. Firstly my lungs. But I again I proved to be a miracle. The doctors said I would die if I continued smoking. But after a year, I am still alive… secondly my brain, the tumor is in.

But today I fainted 2 times, and the second caused me to faint and my head started bleeding…

I know I don’t have much time left and I want you to know this. I really love you and you may not… but you were very special to me. And I want you to know this.

Drinking outside your house
Sneaking up into your room
Kissin you in your bed
Looking after you when you’re drunk
Kissing you outside your house
Bringing you gifts by the door

You’re the only one…

<3

2011-11-23T00:26:00.003+08:00

i cant be selfish. i love you so much but what if one day i have to leave you and it is not my choice. the words to express how i feel now is limited. the amount of vocabulary i know of is not sufficient to express the weight of it.

i cannot hold you back when there is so much you want to do. i can't shelter you because you need to fall to learn like how i did. not because i want you to feel the pain, but we both are alike, unless something severe happens, we both will never learn the lesson...

i am able to forgo the world, the rest of those going after me, but it is not possible for you. i knew right at that instant when i met you it all has to stop, but you still needed time.

would you be there for me if i fell, if i needed you.. i would always be there for you, but i need someone to be there for me too. but i dont think you can be that person. i want to protect you but at the expense of hurting myself.

i love you because you are beautiful the way you are. not because of your looks, because beneath that make up lies a frail lil girl with no confidence, no self esteem. i want you to be more than that because you are more than that.

u have no idea what the other guys want from you. if they are true to you, i will be happy for you but all those useless jerks and mother fuckers who are manipulated by me?

fuck it no one will understand. a secret i got to keep which is so painful

2011-11-20T20:40:00.001+08:00

i regret we have no photos together. i hope after the op i will still remember you... i love you and miss you

2011-11-17T10:44:00.000+08:00

I shouldn’t love you but you’re something I’m addicted to and I can’t turn away from. It shouldn’t happen because I wouldn’t want to get hurt again, and definitely not by a friend. I shouldn’t see you, but I want to, and I can’t look away. This shouldn’t be until thirty when this curse of youth is gone; I don't know how to be fine when I'm not because I don't know how to make these peculiar feeling stop. I will not let you hurt me like the rest had done before, because I ain’t so ridiculous. I’m will be like a fighter I am in the ring; I will fight through this no matter how hard it is. But I’m tangled up in your alluring gesticulation. You made a first impression; you're always on my mind. Why should we have a collision which caused such synthesized feelings? What is the remedy to this infirmity within me? We will never be mature. At a stage of our life when we look back and whatever we did would appear to be childish at which point the action seemed so mature and right. I never want this to happen, because I know you’re not the one. It is so hard around you to say things I feel but you don’t get the picture. I tried my preeminent to let go but I don’t want to.

It’s you I want
But I know I can’t
I know it is a spoil of fun
But baby it just can’t be done
This is a burden in my heart that weighs a ton
I found you in a hunt
But I only go let you run
Because you were too lovely and I would never hurt you but there is a pun.
If you find it you would understand the feelings which are a total opposite of fun.

I just got to suck on it and realise the primary goal. But some how you’re the prize of the goal, and I don’t know how to make my mind up. To this moment here, I’ll never see through the clouds into the revelation, and it’s making me feel crazy like I’ve never felt before. If I could be around the world, I would only wish to forget all this emotions. Forgetting is bliss; thinking of you is a curse. If only I had back the freedom of the birds, and the spirit of the eagle, and the courage of a lion. This would not have happened in the first place.....

But like I always do, I will fight this battle of wits. God shall be my comfort, and His grace is all i need, for His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness.

The stars show signs of pain
God tells me to follow my heart
My heart is in a mess
And I am following a mess and I’m lost
My mind tells me I’m crazy
My body feels no pain
But within the body where the heart lies
Has been surrounded with sharp pain, piercing and shattering it all
I won’t know how long I could get out of this perplexity
But one thing I know for sure, ILY

talking to the moon

2011-09-10T01:57:00.000+08:00

As much as I wish I could start all over again, it is just purely impossible.. but still I want to remember every single detail of it. I am forgetting about what I did and all so frequently:/ so here it goes. Today I woke up to the realization that I lost money gambling and I only had 2 cigarettes left:/ so I continued sleeping and I am always sad and depressed after gambling. It is the worst of all my habits! Even wanking and porn is a much better and forgivable ‘sin’:/

Well, I dragged myself to work, and damn! I’m amazed at how attracted I am to older women! I swear I mean those at least 10 years older than me :O its truly amazing how perfectly shaped their body is wrapped with any dress they wear :O well it was a hen’s night, and they were like flashing their tits and ass the whole night… makes me wonder what’s wrong with nudity anyway? I mean I would like to go shopping nude. That’ll me sexier than anything I own in my wardrobe! Like seriously?! What beats nudity in S-E-X-Y?!

It’s the feeling of being alone late at night I fear. I fear everyone who is close to me leaves me. That makes me afraid to get close to anyone. I am no longer the Gabriel who can joke and take jokes. I have learnt to protect myself without fighting. As much as I like fighting, I realize how well a fighter you are; you can never protect yourself from the evil in this world. So I brought the fighting spirit to a new channel which is being alone. Knowledge is something powerful. Secrets is an even harder evil to keep.. so painful, so people share their secrets, transferring the negative energy to another to relieve themselves of the negative energy, unknown to them if it is not channeled properly, one would be labeled as a backstabber, gossiper or so nots. But secrets are painful to keep you see!! And I have been keeping them until I am so fat!!!

And yea, I suddenly remembered this. my late dad always reminds me this: you have a devil on your left and an angel on your right. Don’t listen to the devil listen to the angel. You know what is right and wrong. It was something easy to follow by but as time passes this rule seems to be even harder than usual to practice and thus I am the Gabriel I am today. My will-power just ain’t strong enough. I guess I’m just a little asshole deep inside:/

i'm back for good

2011-09-09T01:54:00.000+08:00

It really doesn’t mean anything anymore… the sickening lies and deceit. I guess its karma for lying too, Lying about many things. But some facts and reality are just too hard to spill out to people whom you first meet but as time goes along, you just can’t tell people no shit. Because it’s a secret deep within that is painful to divulge. The scars and tears behind ever lie. The world is just plain complicated. Empty promises mean nothing, so do promises. Even to yourself, you think that you have actually put it behind you, but somehow it is just not as easy as it seems. You break a promise made to yourself, so how can you promise someone something when you can’t even promise yourself something? Seeing people from all walks of life, literally, it is just disgusting to know that my species- humans are capable of doing things that even animals don’t, which brings me to ponder much about Adam and eve’s decedent’s curse on the knowledge of good and evil. Look here, I am not saying I’, all perfect and all, I am only mortal, so in a nutshell, I despise myself too:/ I guess we all live in a world where everyman fights for himself. Alright probably an example, a purely fictional one (gonna use an example in a club since I have been indulging so much into it):

Guy A pretends to be someone, probably steals and cheats money from people, wear nice clothes and all, but deep inside, he’s empty, to fill the void, he sleeps around and break young girl’s hearts. (sounds like me but I swear this is not me! ) HAHAHAHA!! He comes up with lies to make his life more interesting. But again look at it at this point of view he has a broken family, and this is a fucking chain, I swear, a fucking chain of misery! In a way where all of us are link by. Example of this example->
Man divorces wife because of another woman
Wife raises 2 kids, 1 girl 1 boy
Wife works hard to support 2 kids, and has poor work attitude probably due to personal problems, and just cannot talk to guys, generalizing that all man are assholes
Man gets cheated by the woman, ashamed to go home, gambles, drinks alcohol everyday, get drunk, becomes a person not easy to get along with, he cause problem to his work place, which affects other’s work and return this guy is affected he brings the problem back to his family his kids and wife gets annoyed at home, kids turn into gangsters, pick up smoking, drinking, clubbing, bullies others in school to feel empowered, other kid turns hermit afraid of doing many things affecting his future and he could have been a key component, in the future, probably a peace keeper, but this fear made him an accountant his whole life, the people he could have met and changed them in a way,
Back to Guy a, his girl has daddy issues, sleep around with guys as a form of revenge ( hohoho!! Don’t be surprised here!! A very very common reason for sluts to be sluts) this girl probably broke the relationship of this 2 couples who were destined to be together for life and their kids may be firemen/policemen/ministers/presidents to save the world, things like this.

So you can see here how fucked up destiny and fate is being disrupted here! The natural flow of life is being affected! Natural flow in this instance would be what I call the knowledge of good without the bad in it! And see these things causes a chain which people do not realize comes back as a form of revenge which what the Buddhist calls karma, which is purely science and maths!!

And money, it is everyone’s aim(just generalizing about the majority here). They wanna earn money hoping for a better life, YES!! THAT IS RIGHT! But in the process of LIFE, they made some mistakes here and there, affecting life of others, which comes back right at them! So it is really WTF?!

Enough of my ranting and shits. I’m just purely down and sad because life hasn’t been easy for me, dealing with shits. Because of the pain I have been inflicted with, I try to cover it up, in return, hurting myself so much more. its fucking painful. You have not been through what I have. I swear it fucking hurts like fuck. But again everyone has their fair share of shit. I may not be the worst off fella here, but in terms of fairness in life, I am not treated fairly. And that is purely unfair. But this is life(usually people stop here, I’m gonna continue)everyone has the ability and capability to be more caring and loving towards one another, to accept one another, to know your roles and responsibilities, to behave like a human being, not an animal. To be loyal, to be caring to be loving, and ect. If everyone just tries this out, it may be the solution. I am still working on it myself. Hopefully it will work out fine. And this is what the olden people says: do good and you shall be rewarded. Which people take into doing good deeds to cover up your bad deeds.

being true to myself

2011-06-15T01:43:00.002+08:00

Life has taken an extraordinary turn for me, and I just realize the more I try to fight it, the worst I become. Should I just let this change eat me up gently, or let it tear me into pieces like a beast? I really do not know, but I guess only time will tell what will become of me, in this world full of uncertainty, where death is a mystery and birth a beginning of an adventure. Unplanned moments are always better than the planned ones.

The worst pain in life is when someone you KNOW turns into someone you KNEW... I guess too many of this incidence happening just proves to me how weak I was in the past, allowing others to take advantage of me and I still thought I was strong and smart. Till now I realize how foolish I was. People just keep hurting me. And I just can’t stand being hurt anymore. Physically I can’t fight any battles and I am ever ready getting any bones broken, but inside, I can’t hold it in much longer.

Sometimes in this world the one who will love you the way you want to be loved, is the one you didn't take a chance on and you will never know what you missed, and sometimes you just have to forget about someone in your past because of a very simple reason & it's because they simply don't belong in your future.

When I was a nobody and I had nothing you all laughed at me, mocked me, and teased me. Now you all want me and need me.. Just fuck off. Stop these entire pretenses. I have had enough of it!!!

ps: bby, i would never ever want to let you go, i would CHERISH you forever, don't go breaking my heart falling into the arms of another:/ the rest was just a game a form of revenge on my part...

trying to be as positive as i can:))

2011-03-29T03:13:00.010+08:00

i seriously think, i need this shirt.. this is the only way i can cover up my fats.... and all the extra pounds i have been putting on recently!! gosh.. supper, chicken wings, nuggets, bakuteh, chicken rice, charkuaytiao, hokkien mee and the most sinful of all, macs!!!

well, If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear as it is - infinite.. well, your perception of me would not be real if u known me only for a short while.. cause honestly, it has all been a facade.. judge me for all I care.. because i don't feed on your hates and criticism.. but i will only salute you with 2 middle fingers... i aint a figher, i am a lover:)) which brings me to the next!!

can't deny this is true but:/ oh well.. this world is pretty damn fucked up.. and i guess there is no cure to it anymore, thus 2012..

'all these crazy shit i did tonight
those will be the best MEMORIES...'

i always wonder why girls are attracted to the wrong guys for a certain reason.. just about a year back, i could have been labeled as the perfect guy.. but now, i guess its kinda hard for me to say that without lying:/ russell brand, the british iconic sex god, label by katy perry as a nice, and funny individual.. ironic as to how he has been labeled by the media.. somehow i feel like him..

An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten for who he really is, because people see him as only a superficial human being.. but deep beneath the facade to protect himself, it is a weak soul.. ready to crumble and shatter under the slightest hurt...

somehow, i feel cheap and dirty and fucked up.. just my body alone, is filled with alcohol and nicotine and tar.. this is just twisted shit....

somehow, i am starting to believe true love doesn't exist...

sometimes.. reality can just be this twisted and perverted.. ps to the Guy above.. : cut me some slack would you??

In every girl's life there is a boy she'll never ever forget...

&

In every boy's life their is a girl he can never get!!
I'm not the best, but I'm not like the rest.. Not all things deserve a new beginning, but some things deserve a chance for a different ending . . . simplicity is the real beauty.. nothing heals what hurts inside and nothing can fix whats broken inside~you just have to bear the hurt and live with it~trying your best to pretend normal, but again, i am sick and tired of pretending to be normal... i can always FORGIVE, but i can never FORGET how you made me feel... To change your life, you need to change your priorities.but there is nothing i look forward to anymore...

The worst part of life is not when people don't understand you, but when you don't understand yourself.

2011-03-07T04:16:00.000+08:00

Everyone's life is a story. Some are just bestsellers. My book is just one where people choose to believe what they think and not what I mean.. Even if I live my life as an open book people will still wonder which pages have secret messages. Somehow I wish life would give me a little less reality. You can't-write your history. But you can turn the page on your past and re-write the way your future unfolds.

People may choose to believe I’m rich, but like I always say, I am not, I’m just blessed my mom and brother pampers me. People may choose to say I’m the lady’s man, but sadly, I’m not, I’m actually quite terrible with girls. People may choose to say I am blessed to have different girls to be part of my life, but sadly it’s not, with each ending it feels terrible, even worst then the end of a season of how I met your mother.. Endings are never nice to experience, even for fairytales; since young, after every fairytale, one Is to be happy, but I’m just sad the story just ended.. people may choose to believe I enjoy clubbing and drinking, little do they know, too much of something nice is pretty damn bad… people may choose to believe that I am happy, but little do they know of the pain, agony and emptiness I feel within. No one knows… don't be envious of those who have everything, be envious of those who have nothing but still have peace in their heart and living a happy life. Don’t judge me by what others say about me. Speak to me and make your up your own mind. Unless you have walked the roads that I have traveled, lived in the same situations that I have lived, you have absolutely no right to judge me for who I am!

The twists and turns of life have me dizzy. I wish the road was straight... Sometimes we have to make decisions even our hearts don't understand. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart. Maybe then I wouldn't care so much. I've been hurt too deep too many times to show the real me. So if you think you know me think again & then think some more. Did you ever have an "I don't know" moment. You don't know where you going...how to get there...were you are coming from...what to do or worst what to think? Sometimes silence it the loudest noise, but no one hears my cries and shouts for help.. ever feel like you're in the middle of a crowded room and you're screaming yet no one really hears you? When you hide so much pain from everyone, it’s hard to ask for help. Every smile is a lie, everything I do is to hide. I think I'm afraid to be happy. You think 'm laughing because I'm happy? Wrong. It’s because if I don't laugh, I'm going to cry. And I'm tired of crying. I gave up trying to be happy a long time ago. Every time something good happens a million bad things happen. I miss being little when the hardest decision you had to make was what crayon to use.. I miss being little cause my cries meant something. I miss being little cause people loved and appreciate me more and everyone worries about me being hurt..
We all have flaws. The end.

bitch..

2011-01-15T02:39:00.000+08:00

It takes approximately 500 pounds to crush a human skull, but the human emotion is a much more delicate thing. It’s amazing how a few simple words from someone special can put a smile in your heart. It’s funny how someone, a particular incident, or a few simple words make such an impact on your life in such a short time. Happiness is not based on possessions, power, money or prestige, but on relationships with people that you love and care about. Obviously I don’t have a single bit of happiness. But to the world, it’s pretty damn unobvious…

Everyone thinks my life is fun, my life is cool, it is worry free, and I’m carefree, but that’s not the case.. I’m living in a world of hate, deceit, pain, lies, pretense, and all that leads you to the highway to hell. No matter how many friends you have. If you’re not with someone u can share Ur love with, you’re still alone when you lay your head down at night. But the biggest problem of all, everyone has somebody to love but me. I can’t seem to fall in love. When will this cursed epidemic of mine end? When will something positively real happen to me? Don't search your happiness in others, it will make you feel alone, But search it in yourself; you will feel happy even if you are alone. I'm far from who I started to be, where I'm going I can't even see. Broken pieces I've lost along the way, chased away those I've hurt, hiding away from those who hurt me, suppressing all the pain within with a façade of happiness.. Mistakes are painful when they happen...But year's later collection of mistakes is called experience, which haunts you, scars your mind and life forever. Would it make sense now if I told you that I was lost, and that I didn't want to be found? How am I supposed to love my life when my life doesn't love me Why am I supposed to smile when my smile don't care Where am I supposed to go if nobody wants me! Sometimes dreams are easier to live in than your own life. Sometimes you just want to get away from it all. Ever feel like you're in the middle of a crowded room and you're screaming yet no one really hears you? it’s a force, haunting your soul, hunting your life as if a huge bounty was put on it. unless you know what my heart has been through don't tell me that you understand

True love has no expiration dates.. But sadly in life, everything expires.. even your life, your road tax, your faith….

fatality

2010-12-26T23:07:00.001+08:00

It’s through silence and solitude that you begin to learn about yourself, about life, about your existence for that matter. But it is never possible to see the big picture till the end of everything, and that only happens for those lucky few who get this sudden and random revelation of thoughts. The ancient people call it ‘God speaking to them’; they describe it as a voice/sound so sweet, majestic, peaceful and wonderful. Well, now I know what they mean, because it is just a metaphor for the knowledge gained.

I spent the past week drinking, thinking in both drunk and sober states, and the thoughts just overflows; it causes me to think about things that hurts, not just about the sadness in life which hurts the soul and leaves the emotional scar, but the kind of pain which causes confusion, delusions, false truths, fake emotions, basically living in your own thoughts. This emptiness, this void, is just causing me to think of the changes of my personality, my character and my life. But one thing still remains, belief. Believing that ‘all is well’ ~ quoted from 3 idiots(which I personally feel is an extraordinary movie).

With all this changes, I start to think about destiny and fate. Firstly, you got to understand here (with a little bit of knowledge of algebra) that destiny is a constant. It cannot change, so let’s let destiny be D, and fate is a variable, so let’s call it F. Let me explain here, your destiny cannot be changed because it is what you are destined to do, it is what you were built and created for, and fate determines whether you fulfill your destiny. Your fate can change and disrupt your whole course in life. For example, you were destined to be a singer. But is it fate that you meet a murder and gets killed by him. So your whole destiny is just destroyed just like that. So what do I mean by fate can be changed. Fate is a force driven by our own actions, timing, and decisions or what I like to call is choices. Humans are giving the power to make choices, the freedom to say yes or no, agree or disagree, do or don’t. These choices play a part in fate. Timing is something we cannot control as we can neither control our time or the time of others. In the past, not so long ago, most people know what they want and how to achieve it. Now with luxury and no suffering, people take things for granted and just keep on making the wrong decisions in life, causing bad choices to be made, which causes many destinies to be unfulfilled, and this causes a chain in the world. Cause we were put here for a reason to make a change, to make the world a better place. With so many missing pieces missing and destroyed, the world is just reaching its end at a much faster pace, bringing about a new world, a world different from the day I was born, it is going to create a new era, which would be hash and terrible to change the world. And maybe 2012 may just be true, a time for God to reset time and reboot man, to bring about a new change. This can be formed in the equation F=D. BUT fate is not destiny, it is variable, and how it changes affects destiny.

But sometimes I really wonder the things happening to me, is it fate or God’s idea of a joke. People keep saying how I can be bored, how can I be single; I salute with my middle finger. My life now is serious on the verge of falling apart, if I just ain’t strong enough and put my thoughts together, I would have most probably fallen off some building. There are many things more important than money and love in this world. Yes, no doubt love is a powerful force that feeds us with drive and something to live for, but I just seem to have lost all hope for whatever my destiny is, and know that my fate is now sealed and dead.

I guess now all I can do know is pray, hoping that God exists and answer my prayers and just let me be normal and enjoy reality.

Baby..

2010-12-20T22:41:00.000+08:00

i never wanted to let you go
your absence there just left a hole
and i will never ever be a whole
but its the way reality rolls
deep beneath facade it feels so cold
...my sensibility hits an all time low
please don't treat me like a foe
if only now you could know
just how much i love you so

2010-11-25T00:38:00.000+08:00

Average human lives for 70 years, 1 year has 365 days, 1 day has 24 hours, 1 hour has 60 minutes, 1 minute has 60 seconds which means as you count to 2,207,520,000, your life is basically over..

Existence here on earth is just a phase; our emotions control our decisions, and decisions control the future, which is meaningless because after death, there is a certain dream and uncertainty we wish was beautiful, it is a lie to give us courage to face death, the brighter the lie, the more willing people are willing to sacrifice this short time here on earth for a believe which is uncertain. How can u believe on the word 'believe', when there is a lie in center…

The irony is I can FIND myself LOST through this period of my life, it seems that all hope is lost, and there seems to be a loss of meaning to things.. Things I love, things I care about, and the people who mean something to me. People who were once close, leaves you one by one, I start to feel insecure, always on my guard, being paranoid about things.. but I just put up a front as if I am strong enough to carry on.

I seem to be doing well, joined an events company which has been an incredible journey even up till now. I seem to have many friends around me, I seem to have many girls revolving around my life, but I still feel this emptiness, this loneliness, and unloved.. someone once told me that I would soon start to see what being a Pisces would mean, I doubted it, even up to now, I can’t accept the fact on why there is this void within which seems to create and destroy.. I fall in love, and I start to disgust and hate, so much so that I don’t dare to fall in love anymore, I have close friends, many who don’t understand how I feel, until they step into my shoes, and walk in them before they would understand me. But then again, ain’t friends supposed to understand one another? I accept my friends for who they are, no matter what shit they do to me, what trouble you make me clean up, and when I need help, you all just abandon me. I don't need many friends...Not a million, not a thousand and not a hundred...Just a few that are REAL is more than enough!

As a human being, I failed, I do not even have anyone a close friend who understands me, or someone who is willing to be there to stand by me through this entire catastrophe. Or I am just plain confusing..

When some love is gone, it doesn't mean I should be bitter. It only means I need someone better, it is definitely beyond the looks and achievements… Love always ends for a reason and leaves with a lesson. ‘I love you’, the most powerful phrase we utter as humans, we hear it at every stage of life, and it always just turns us into kids again.. Wild, playful and with limited control of our bodily functions, but just after a while, it turns into a moment when I think of you, I flinch, I see you, I want to avoid you.. I am probably God’s creation as a joke, after completing creating everyone who can love normally, I just can’t..

Our existence here must mean more than backstabbing and lying to each other, all these words on replay is driving me crazy.. It's not wrong to give it all for love; it's not wrong to love a person so much. Sometimes, the only thing wrong is the person you chose to love.. I hate those moments, right before you go to sleep when you're forced to think about everything you tried so hard to forget.

Mummy and gege, thank you for being my side, and being so open to my problems, I never expected you to understand me, and even though you both still don’t understand, you guys are supporting me. I really LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH, sorry for breaking your hearts so often, making you guys pissed at me, but I know you both still love me as much as I do.. don’t scold me for my mistakes, cause it already hurts me to let you both found out I made a mistake, you both never seem to fail at anything, and I am a black sheep of the family.. I keep failing.. don’t cry in front of me, because I cry every night before I sleep thinking about how much of a failure I am, don’t give up on me because I have given up on myself and I don’t know how to stand back up..

The Holiday written by Nancy Meyers

2010-09-12T03:38:00.001+08:00

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

sometimes

2010-07-17T13:16:00.001+08:00

It has been an unanticipated turn in life and reality as I knew it has been altered, a wish a dream what on earth you call it may not be how you expected it to transpire. It comes to the threshold where I have been neglecting every solitary imperative aspect of my life.

Well, life after probation is pleasurable, with lots of self restraints, but the major thing is that I don’t want to forget who I am what my goals are and digress from it till a point of no return. I don’t want to fall in too deep. I guess that this fear of falling in too deep is a shadow within I can never peter out, because the winner is the one who cares less. The deeper you fall, the happier you are but once u wake up from the dream, the damage done to the soul is indescribable. Call me selfish or crazy if you must, I know I have issues I need to resolve. But believe me, I am crazy because of the world I am living in, you are just living in a delusion and not aware of it.

2nd chances are rarer than precious jewels and unlike jewels they got to be seized and used immediately, notice the irony on how people keep their jewels and belongings, so close to themselves, believing its value would boost one’s status. Living in this world, with people who believe the idea that more is superior, believing that there is a yardstick to measure life.

the prom theme is: masquerade(but no one cares cause it does not make a difference)

2010-05-11T12:56:00.001+08:00

There are many ways to define our fragile existence, many ways to give it meaning, but it is our memories that gives it purpose and shape its contexts. The thing about memories is really peculiar, many mistake their imagination for their memory, living in denial, and living behind this façade which they feel is a long term solution.

Like someone said: Everyone in this world is fake. It’s like a masquerade ball everyone’s participating in. The world is superficial. So yes, I am fake…

You know what you are living in yet you don’t have the courage to fight it. I fought this battle a long time ago to know who I was, who I am, all the pretense I put up was something no man could ever imagine, pretending to the ones I loved the most, and even, lying to myself, living in the shadows of my mind's eye.

Freedom means you’ve got nothing left to lose, but in fact, I am afraid to lose things I have around me, I am afraid of lost opportunities, I am afraid of disappointment, I am afraid of rejection. I have ended my probation yet, I feel that I don’t have the freedom, this is because I have tied myself down with my expectations, expectations society set on me, trying to be someone great, lying and cheating to the ones I call friends.

The past really hurts so much; every thought would induce certain amount of dampness around my eyes, sending a cotton ball through my throat. But still, I choose to keep them as memories, unlike some who stores his past in the future.

cheers

2010-05-01T02:54:00.000+08:00

Words are perilous weapons which may come back and stab you absolutely brutal in any part. Trust me, it does not matter which part it is, but it definitely hurts. There are things and self-promise which I do want to keep but unfortunately, there is this opportunity cost here where I have to forsake certain things or likings to ensure I can’t be hurt again.

I may be tough on the outside, with a background of extensive martial arts, but still, there is this certain part in me which is still bleeding and not healing due to reasons I cannot explain myself. This is more than a case of ‘a mind over matter thing’ because there are shadows that refuse to disappear.

It is a beginning of a new chapter with a new life and redemption of my freedom from the government. But still, there are minor things still bugging me. I really want to concentrate on the task ahead, yet distractions over distractions occur. If only dreams were reality.

I cannot lose my focus in between.

I have just triumphant over a game which went exactly as premeditated and I have used someone whom was particularly genial, and this feeling hurts and the sense of dishonor, prevents me from corresponding with this person. This ain’t how friends are supposed to be. And I have failed gravely.

But still I have decided to make things clear and not hide anymore things from this important person, and treat me like a good friend. I guess it is not the consequence but the conscience which would affect me the most and that is a barrier I would have to clear.

It just ain’t right lying to a child, and using them. But one thing is for sure, I do care about you despite not knowing who you really are, that is really something surprising. Something I never knew I could execute.

moments

2010-03-21T23:34:00.004+08:00

It just comes down to a certain point when you forget who you are. What were you supposed to do? What the purpose was. And part of you taken away which would not be able to be returned to you. It is almost as good as selling your soul to the devil.You wished that everything would be alright. But it just won’t be. My emotions are numb. I just cannot feel it anymore. I wish I could just cry like a baby, and get pacified, even if it is my own shit, infuriating me.

I wished I could fight for myself, I learnt to fight. I had to fend for myself now. No one must ever hurt me. This desire within to never want to be hurt again became stronger. The world is cruel and evil. To win this sick world, you have to be crueler. The desperate need of feeling secure soon turned into a hunger of being the alpha male and I am not the best, and what I could do within that short period of time; pretend to be someone else, you’ve got to put up that brave front. You have got to protect yourself. I tackled the weak, to bring myself up, and soon the weak was not enough; it was time to take on the big boys. And become an even bigger jerk. Lies covering other lies, deceit is the name of the game. A facade which soon became too heavy to put on.

I could not hold on to it, so I put it down, it was when I found my true friends. But somehow, I needed something more. But I guess I just have to wait till the right one appears.

i want to let go of everything, but it seems impossible.

3 usd

2009-12-24T02:00:00.011+08:00

this is eddieboomz!

can't help it but say that i am brilliant! i earned 3 bucks tonight! haha! well it was totally fun + thrilling.

free mask in rp!

A “Chance” may be defined as an opportunity, a possibility that comes due to favorable combination of circumstances. It may also be defined as the luck, i.e. an unpredictable and unknown phenomenon that causes an event to result one way rather than another. It may also be defined as the possibility of taking a risk in lieu of some sort of a positive outcome. Thus, a chance is defined as a phenomenon which may involve probability of an accident-positive or negative.

Ever since I was young, I was very sensitive to pitch differences. I can differentiate, thus I was able to distinguish music and have a big impression of it in my mind. There was once when I heard the song ‘Auld Lang Syne’ on television, I played it on the piano after much trial and error trying to first identify the notes on the piano and the sounds they project. And soon, I began to continue playing the piano, and I went to lesson, but stopped eventually because I lost the interest, but music never left me, I picked up the guitar, harmonica, marimba,angklongs, and the drums eventually.

I did not leave it to chance; I had the will and motivation to learn the instrument I wanted. I achieve what I am today because of hard work and experiments and a lot of analyzing. I trial and error many methods to get the right technique and style that suit me. I also did many read-ups on music, but it was also I was at certain places and got certain influences which help me to get certain motivation to learn the instruments. I even went to Australia to study percussion master classes under renowned professors and lecturers at Griffith University.

He who leaves nothing to chance will do few things poorly, but he will do few things. It never intended to learn music when I played my first song. But it was my first song which triggered me to be so influenced by music, and have my life all revolved around music. Because of music, my life will never ever be the same.

credits to Justin a few months ago!

pictures speak a thousand words, 30 thousand words for you+ 1000 words

2009-12-22T23:44:00.007+08:00

to make up for the lost of time, i decided to show pictures:D and explain what is happening to me in RP, and how i am spending my time there.

i am going to start with the story of the LORD OF THE RINGS.

NOT!!!!!

okok life has been fine now, so these are my facilitators, basically what are facilitators, they are like lectures but the more relax lecturers. they don't teach, and all they do is give comments. some are smart some are dumb you can tell from their faces below.

i am going to start with this guy, he is terry, a 29 year old cool dude! he has army stories and he knows how to read your future, 65% accurate and he is definitely the da ge kinda of guy who looks after you:D:D

and then this is my previous class w35r, and the facilitator is a guy called calvin chong who is very very free! but one of the nicest chaps around! and yea thats my class teacher's pet:D:D sit beside the teacher:D:D

and because i am teacher's pet i am always sitting with the facilitators, and some how surrounded with girls! maybe cause they think i am ah gua!

but i am definitely not!

but it might be because of this incident that this misconception start!

it was during a presentation and i borrow a scarf form the girl behind me. her name is shaima, but i prefer to call her emma. the oversized scarf was really comfy, like a blanket!

may be even this instance:(

and because they say your teachers are your role model, so i decided to be like my facilitator

so. . . . . . . . . . i took her specs! and i think she is cute! but she is married:(

somehow we wanted to join cheer leading, so we decided to show the cheerleaders, the supporters could carry me, and i could fly and do gymnastics like jiawen! (check out the undies slip!)

somehow i feel sexually harassed in class, everyone wants a piece of me, they want me from the inside out

so one day i decided to bear it all

check out that ass!!!

and some others decided to follow suite

and only the ones man enough decided to do this!

wanna see a before after slimming add?

whoa!!!!! nice ehh!!!! and finally,

only 3 people in my class use crumpler!! haha

well, lucky i wasn't O if not i just needed to stand there

and these 3 girls are (from the left): Shirley, joey(who looks like regina) and corrine.

and they stole my buscard leaving me with no buscard for a month! bitches! kidding!

see how they torture me! they freaking use their ass rub on me!! smelly smelly!!! *ain't Corrine sexy?!

corrine chua!!! ok people look at the guy near bottom right!!

ok look that is him as well, oh ya this is the kopi shop slacking.

an finally!

thats him beside the blue shirt kiddo!

star initiated by me!! my leg looks feminine here! haha! my leg the only unnoticeable male leg:D:D haha!

ok yea side track abit, this is ramkee!

child hood friend:D this asshole wears the same colour shirt as me everytime. even if i wear the weirdest and sexiest colour, purple, he would copy me!

wanna know wad goes behind the scenes of youtube recordings, here you go!!

hahaha!!!!!

sometimes i think you are nice sometimes i think otherwise.
sometimes you make me smile, sometimes you make me foul
every little moment i wish, for Christmas
Santa remove your presence away.

There are these 2 approach to solve a problem. The two approaches are atomistic and holistic. Basically, these two approaches are unique and opposite in a special way which defines them. Often we find problems and we try to rectify it.

There are 2 ways, firstly, as a atomistic approach, we indentify the problem, analyse the problem, brainstorm for solutions, select a suitable solution, use the solution used and finally, evaluate the solution used. The second method is to ‘step out of the box’ and look at things at a bigger picture. Usually when we find problems about others, we can look at things atomistic ally, however when it comes to problems regarding ourselves (our behaviours and imperfections), we often find ways to defend ourselves and prove others wrong. Thus we need to use a holistic approach on find, and rectifying our own problems.

As man, we are imperfect people, living in an imperfect world. And humans often find it hard to admit their problems. Thus looking at things holistically allows us to see things beyond ourselves. But as I have mentioned in my presentation we have to use both of them together at some instance. After we have identified the problem using holistic approach, we should identify or problems and solve it.

now buzz off!

christmas 10pm

2009-12-22T01:59:00.010+08:00

well i took a daring step today to invest in forex. although it is not a lump sum, but it is definitely going to be a commitment. well gonna take it as a part time job. others have to work, and i just have to get my ass around my computer to work. haha!! well i have certainly buged some people about this issue, namely justin and jingjie, and ahkiat, well, be glad i did! cause it shows that you hold a certain level of regard for me to actually approach you! haha!!!!

jamming tmr!!! and i haven't even practiced anything!!! dammit! my performance is on thursday and there is so much in my head!!!! argh!!! not that i don't music as my piorority but just that things ain't the same any more! well thats life i guess!

marketing competition!!!!! well its going to be something tough definately! not going to doubt it! this is one of the slides in the presentations! haha!

spent a day in school at a maths lecture, well i guess i spent today worth while!!! after which i met aunty pooee(shirlyn) about forex, and i made the decision, and i guess its good.

God will be above to watch over me, be below to carry me, be beside to protect me, be behind to support me, and infront to guide me, amen!

I remember a day when I didn’t care about where my money went, all I knew was that I wanted more. I assumed that if I had more money all my problems would be solved. Turns out that money doesn’t solve money problems. If you are rich then you are powerful.. You can do anything and everything that you want. You can buy all the things that you want.. You can enjoy and go anywhere you want. If you commit a crime, you may choose not to go in prison by just paying the law. Money can be use in many ways. It is up to a person on how he/she wants to use the money that he/she has. Everything now in this world even our law can be paid. Sometimes, love can be paid and even happiness.

Everybody wants to have plenty of money. Everybody needs money to live in this world. But through all those things that I've mentioned, do you think money can solve all of problems?? Do you think money is the solution of everything?? If I'm going to answer this question, my answer is no. And I am going to falsify this claim. Because when it comes to real happiness and true love we can't used our money to get it. If our problem is about love then it can't never solve because you can't pay the person you love to love you also. Even he/she accept the money still he/she don't give the love that you want. It is just all lie. There are certain situations that money can't be used just like having a happy family, being to someone our love and be happy to the fullest. I know that sometimes money can solve our problem but it is just a temporary.

If you lose all of your money then it only means that you're going to suffer again to all of your problems. There are some things which money can’t buy and I am just not talking about love here; Health problem. I am a friend working as a doctor; he works in mount Elizabeth as a cancer doctor. And he say that there it is very saddening to see that the rich get to live the extra 3 to 5 months, and the poor can’t even pay to fight for their life which can be cured because of monetary issues. And I think this is a true and sad fact happening in reality. Will money be able to bring the dead who ws the soul breadwinner of a family alive? Would money be able to solve ALL problems??

and just for laughs!!

epic jiggly fats! chao outside!

as buddah(tim's friend) said: i'm a lover not a fighter!

2009-12-20T15:40:00.006+08:00

pure defination of power! gabriel vs haoG(rugby champ)
well, life has never been more boring, and this week is netball with the ladies from dvs and soccer with the dudes both at kallang. hopefully that'll help me minus some calories. next week is going to be an action packed one, with my gig coming up, and marketing competition prep with eddy. i got this 30 page report to summit, doubt its gonna be an easy feat.

had a boring(NOT!) session with reg daph and ahhui +paky. nice stories of menu, and the adventures of pak's saga and a whole lot of mysteries uncovered!

starbucking as usual, and a new hair cut with justin, and paky botak!
well this is just for laughs!

Big Fish Small Fish, Big Pond Small Pond, Big Dreams Small Dreams. Destiny, people say it puts you where you are, allows you to meet who you’ll meet, who your friends will be, who your parents are, what you will choose, something which is preset like ready-made mircowaved food, already made, but we just have to heat it up. When troubles seem to come, and those who fear God blames it on fate, and curses what is installed for us; hoping and waiting that the days and events to come to be better with no action done. In this case, I beg to differ, I believe in knowledge and he power of choices.

Knowledge is a catalyst for us to make good decisions, good choices. But sometimes, perception and emotions may get into the way. It is often the battle of what we want and what is good for us. Choosing between to be in a big temple or small temple is the equivalent. Being a big monk in a small temple makes us feel comfortable, in power, and in control of the things around us. it keeps us in this comfort zone which will not promote any sort of improvement, however being a small monk in a big temple, there is full of room to improve and grow. A goal we want to achieve to keep us motivated to strive to be the best. But again, it may backfire. Not everyone has this drive within to be the best. Many have tried and failed. And it is the same as this basic business principle: high risk = higher returns but also higher lost and vice versa.

When I was in secondary school, I had to make the choice to be in triple science stream or combine science. I made the cut for triple science. Being ambitious I chose to be a small fish in a big pond. I wasn’t exactly the studying material. I am the kind who listens and remembers. So even if I sleep in class, I was still listening, and this way, I always scored well. However, as I moved on to upper secondary in triple science stream, I became the small fish in a big pond, the competition in which I had no mood to participate in me, caused me to start slacking and as a result I went to Millennia institute to peruse the A level’s route, in which I left due to personal reason. Again in MI, I was the big fish in a small pond. But some reasons I left and came to Republic Polytechnic to be a bigger fish. I have never put in any effort, and in semester 1, I scored a gpa of 3.4. But now here in sem2, I didn’t do really well. I got a D for my recent cognitive UT. In a small pond, to remain as the big fish one must not slack. You may be at the top of the world now, but the earth is round. 24 hours later, I’ll be below (technically 12 hours in maths, but heck it!). Nothing is free and easy in reality. If I had the ability to make choices all over again, I want to be in a big pond and strive. Because I never want to be the lousiest again. This may never happen, but i know that i will become a big monk in this small temple again, and not a small monk in a small temple. I want to achieve something and go back to be in the big temple and be the big monk there. Now, my equation would be, [ (small fish) ^ ( small pond)= (big dreams) ]

well enough of this bull shit.

fat boys peeing club, eddy, gabriel, akkie, and clement AKA, boomer!

power shit

2009-12-03T15:28:00.008+08:00

well guys i checked out this website its called lamebook.com, do visit it, i'm not doing a commercial or anything but this is really hilarious. here are some funny shits i found there! they compile funny wall posts! haha! yep! awesome shits!

i need strength.....

2009-11-08T22:35:00.003+08:00

Somehow, these feelings belong to dad. I am really tired. I’m tired of this ritual life. Everything is so mundane, and the problems never ceasing. Suddenly I am not even half the man I used to be. Something went wrong in my life. It feels like 101 seasons that you were away. I need some where to hide. Somewhere to run.

To sum up, fuck you life, fuck you bitch, fuck you sucka and fuck off bastard, my legs will fly right into your face. shuddup

learn learn learn!

2009-09-29T13:26:00.005+08:00

The holidays are ending soon, and soon, ritual life would repeat itself again in my life. I have written 4 songs during this holiday, something that was fun, but people misunderstood it as my attempt of gaining fame, and being too proud of it. Well writing it was just an expression of my emotions and feeling better at the end of the day. but also, while doing something, I want to do my best, and yes, I did received many ugly comments, but then I improve from each failure, although the level of proficiency is still not there yet, but I am still trying. I have been giving up so many times in the past, and I guess now is not the time.

ok on the lighter side :D holidays have been fun! haha! and my probation has 6 more months to go, so i guess i just have to hang in there! haha!

believe in me!

2009-09-16T20:35:00.003+08:00

It’s been a long time since I last blogged, well; it’s finally not so hectic now. With the holidays and great friends, but Justin is still in china. Well, somehow there is this emptiness; hey I ain’t gay or anything alright, is it the kind of feeling, where you know in life you could have done something in the past better and things could be better now, but there are no such things, and dwelling in such futile thoughts is just ridiculous. Well, it is really time to get down and start thinking about my future. I am already 18, and I am aimless in life. Where do I go from here, am I just going to be a jack of all trades and a master of none? Writing songs that go nowhere.

But again, holidays are really great, but the probation sucks! haha!

new song click here!

ps: photo is for those who think i have slimmed down. i haven't! so stop asking hhaa!

somthing i need!!!

2009-08-10T13:24:00.003+08:00

2009-08-05T15:33:00.000+08:00

Basically life has been alright, it’s been kind of tiring, but I guess it’s better than doing nothing. Life during probation sucks. No night life, and with the screwed up curfew, it makes things worst. Well, to clear my hours for community service, I am now giving tuition to 8 secondary 1 students and 5 primary 2 students! Haven’t been hanging out with ah kiat recently, because I am busy, and he is busy too!

Life can be so unfair at time, and the uncertainty still scares me. The hectic life is taking a toll on me, swimming, running and movies are my only escape, not forgetting martial arts and music. Somehow, I feel the satisfaction from teaching. But I am not going to take up teaching as a profession. Exams will be coming in less than 2 weeks time, and I am not prepared. I hope history will not repeat itself this time.

my youth wasted because of this dumb thing. Well, summary: life is a bitch

Portrait

2009-06-21T01:07:00.001+08:00

The word just isn’t right,
The soul isn’t light.
Why do I have to hide?
Would God just let me take flight?
If only I could roam the night
The world would seem so bright
Problems are squeezing me too tight
I only I could just fight
My mind wouldn’t be in such a site
Until then my life begins as i had died

The way words can be used is just so mystical. The trouble life brings is just beyond what I can bear. They way my mood affects my thinking is just a catastrophe. If life holds more than money and looks, life would be just perfect. Being perfect in this world is so impossible. Danger lurks, and I wonder how long more I can hold on. The perfection I dream of is purely impossible. The photos of those I know in a columbarium is more than I ever imagined I knew. Seeing them just makes me feel that life is fragile. The frail tears in my eyes which will flow out instantaneously if I spoke a word; the thought of it makes me think of death itself. Death seems like an escape; a bonus. Bearing pain all the time is totally insane. Leading a life so mundane and painful, is there something more to this provincial life? An aim which is may help excite my passion and enthusiasm. But ironically, I wouldn’t bear to leave this world without achieving something momentous.

If only I could paint miracles, life would hold some meaning. The truth is as a mortal, there is a limit to what I can do. And as a mortal, the feelings faced are not the fantastic ones. They are the melancholy ones, the type of emotions people would never want to experience. Reality is so harsh that it is taking a toll on me. I only see superficial love, childish mindsets, absence in charisma, and behaviours which youths deem as appropriate, but in reality, socially unacceptable. The idea of going for the looks is totally injudicious. Most of the world’s population see females only in graphic terms, and few left are only monks, priests, respectful males, and the mentally challenged. As for me, I put on a facade and speak of females in graphic terms, which leave me at the end of the day; confused.

Eventually, the equation of love just became; love = sex, until I thought of what I thought of myself as the most successful person in the world, who I would want to be with, if, I could pick anyone, but only one. I believe external beauty will fade away with time, and internal beauty will stay on forever, it will be the internal beauty, the good things we do that people will remember us by even after death. You hear the tales as old as time, the cliché endings, and when you were younger, those were not my dreams, and my dream was to get the latest and coolest toys or games. Until now, the bed time stories my late father reads to me, is my dream; finding my own happily after, not some ending which can’t be a bestseller if it is a story.

Well again, the mysteries fate has installed for me never get thrilled when ever something bad happens, and it is just so mundane. If only I could paint rainbows and butterflies with words, and be the master of my own destiny, and control over things that could or could not happen to me. Only time will tell of all the shit and giggles. A recent finding shows that I have a fear of the uncertain, I used to believe I could do anything, well, reality tells me this is rather impossible.

Believing in myself once again, is weird. Believing God will be there is a comfort, but if He only shows me miracles instead of trials and tribulations. If only plans worked out right and God is by my side, i wouldn’t be in this plight.

reality or fantasy

2009-06-03T21:54:00.000+08:00

Well, it’s basically back to reality after the long half a year break. Life in RP has been more enriching in MI, but I sure do miss all my friends in MI. The ‘uniform’ days, the days I bathe in school every day, the abysmal food. Now in poly, where there is all this autonomy, having self control is not easy. Again, I’m back to being someone I am not. Portraying an image that is not me, pretence is easy, but it hurts the conscience. Well on the lighter, note school has been fun with the dress code themes, the birthday parties, the dancing in class, the movies to be watched.

The most excruciating part is when people ask about my family and about the scar on my hand. It’s a fraction of my life I would like to get rid of physically and physiologically. I have been given this second chance to start all over again, to be apposite and pleasant, and to be the paramount I can be in school. I have been trying my best to do well in class, but sometimes, when there are physiological controversies, it will seem really awkward.

I seem to lose myself every time I’m in school, at the end of the day I need to ask myself who I am. And music strikes a chord of what is reality. Being in such a big school and trying to dress proper is just so arduous.

I joined a CCA called jammerz arena, a cca where they audition and recruit musicians, and form bands out of them. Well, I auditioned as a drummer and got in. Well, an achievement to me :D well, this is just the first battle. The war is not over. I still have to improve myself in what I am doing, being committed to the instrument. Something I can never do.

During this holiday, I would need to have a break from reality, and relax. I would be teaching English for my community service. And I have 80 hours of it. And for that I would only cover 16 hours for it. And i would be helping some charity show, I would cover my hours.

All in all, life is good, but I am confused. End of story. Haha!

2009-04-30T22:24:00.002+08:00

today i met the director of water polo boys while smoking, and i met steven lim and he blow kiss me wtf! he ask me want to act a not! its like wtf people haha!!! i will be more specific in next post as school is draining me! haha!

spreeeeee

2009-04-25T23:38:00.001+08:00

I spent a lot of money today....
First I met ahkiat first a movie, we watched fast and the furious 4. Well all I can say about the show is 2 thumbs up. It’s a show that keeps me jolted in my seat. The stunts and music in the movie is remarkable. The plot is also interesting though and the crimes ingenious. It’s definitely a show not to be missed. Though I’m quite late in watching the show, and praising the show as if the whole world hasn’t watch it, I think I really enjoyed it. Next, I followed ahkiat for his lunch, and all I can say about the weather is that the heat is freaking intense. I wonder how people can still wear jeans or long pants nowadays. Walked around J8, and got myself 2 pairs of shorts: D one black one greyish white. Just some clothes to be part of my unofficial ‘school uniform’ its tough dressing presentably everyday with limited clothes. With the people dressing in poly as if they are parading in a fashion show. Later, I headed to square 2 to get a new wallet and a new belt. I got a white belt again because I love white belts, and my white belt turned into a dirty stained old belt.
And the worst thing is I LOST MY HOUSE KEYS! It’s like so freaking important!!!

Anyway, school has been alright. Just that one of my friend said I looked too fierce in class that people dare not approach me. Well occasion 1 of the impact of my fierceness. The whole class was arguing about the point’s allocation. Once I open my mouth, all stop vie-ing and shut up, and there was total silence. Well not all of them are still afraid of me. Am I so scary come on man......? I got the neatest and shortest hair cut for a guy in class! I don’t dress beng-ish. I don’t speak in broken English; instead I speak in perfect English with proper pronunciation and advanced vocabulary. This is weird. Well at least those in my group before knows I’m a nice guy! Haha!
So far I am still able to keep to my goal of being hard working. Hope this lasts long!

such pretence is unacceptable

2009-04-18T16:32:00.000+08:00

This world is filled with people putting on several masks
Pretending to be who they are not
They articulate words the Lord spoken,
But deep inside they are nothing but vile and treacherous
They worship God with the same mouth they use to gossip, spread rumours,
And speak the language of the devil
On the surface they present themselves as the child of God
While deep within them they are the craftsmen for the devil
The Lord condemns such people who just put on such facade
You want to shine for God where here you are condemning His creations
You announce to the world that some are not worthy to praise God
Even the devil has the right to summit to the Lord
Why can’t the creatures He created
People like you are the reasons I don’t go to church
As a Christian I make it a point not to hurt anyone
My words may not be suitable for the young
But at least I can trust God in everything
Can you?

like a ninja

2009-04-08T19:39:00.003+08:00

School is starting in a week’s time, and I had no idea at all. Well at least I don’t have to idle away my time anymore, and get down to some serious business. This morning, I did something I haven’t done in a long time. Exercising!! I managed to jog Bishan Park, and swim 20 laps, a good accomplishment for a start. Well, Good Friday and Easter is coming, I hope I won’t be lazy and make excuses for not going to church again.

Having know you was the greatest achievement in life
When I first saw you with the eyes of a child
It’s a special feeling I’ll never forget
As a young adult now, I can’t describe this sensation
I really don’t know what it is, but is hasn’t changed
Your signals too wrong, my mind all confused
My only aim now is just to get though probation and do well in school
My dream of being a professional drummer and fighter
My fears of falling once again
My mind no one can ever decode
Its only when I fight i am in control
It the only time, I can manage things the way I want it to be
I get total freedom and control in what I do
When I drum, I get to decide the emotions for the song
Decide how it should be played, and not let anyone be a yardstick
Those are the only times I get to control things in my life
It’s the only time it can me and only me
I don’t have to consider about other’s feelings
My addiction is painful, it’s like venom
Biting away pieces of me slowly
It’s making me impatient
It’s making me irritated
It’s making me hate
It’s making me hurt
It’s making me cry
It’s making me die
If only I can stop thinking
Stop thinking about the trials and tribulations
Stop thinking about the past, and worrying about the future
If only had peace within my soul
If only I was strong enough the fight the devil
If only I knew what perseverance was?
If only I could turn back time
The list of I could, can go on and on
But I just must have faith in God and His plans

flumber

2009-04-06T22:12:00.001+08:00

I guess I was too quick for me to say everything is going to turn out fine from now on. Life will never ever be perfect, or at least, how we expect it to become. Things can turn out to be so untrue, but this time, the blow isn’t too huge, because I’ve been into so much shit, this time, I believe it will turn out fine as long as I persevere. School is going to start, and with me typing this in every post just shows I am freaking anxious. After being an introvert for so long, I find that meeting new people is a chore and I hate it. Imagine I have to remember new names again, and hectic life will begin. I need to have some kind of motivation to school, and girls (chio bu) are definitely not the motivation I’m looking for. Probation is really a chore, having a need to report at 10, and I’m usually sleepy before 10 nowadays, and it’s the kind of thing when you’re no more tired after the stipulated time of sleep. Well just 12 months of suffering. Hope i have what it takes to handle it.

The ice under my feet, the pain in my head
The pressure cooks up in my chest
The uncertainty hurts
The pretence is taking me for a ride
The blowing of hot and cold is making me sick
If pretty dreams were true and reality just a dream
Perfection in every sense
The true Human Weapon

If only the 2 freaking assholes would just be friends again

364 days left

2009-04-03T22:38:00.001+08:00

Have you ever tried reaching for the other side, but still preferred the side you’re still on, when circumstances are forcing you to move on. I’m really satisfied with the environment I was in, where I owed no one an explanation except myself. Now, there are many restrictions imposed on me. There are certain places I am not allowed to go to, certain things which I’m not allowed to do. And my residential area, a place I should feel safe, isn’t as private as it was, so much so for living in a private property. But again, who do I have to blame except myself. Well, it’s only going to be for 12 months. After these 12 months, my freedom will be returned to me. It is 364 days, 14 hours, 12 minutes and 27 seconds until Saturday, 3 April 2010, 12:00:00 the day I get back my freedom. Until then, I shall just abide by every rule.

The weather recently is really very hot. I’m suffering everyday due to the heat. I have to swim everyday to cool myself down. And the mornings are so freaking cold! The extreme weather is making me ill.... well today, didn’t turn out as plan. No one to be blamed, but I hope the people involved may put this episode behind and wake up tomorrow peaceful: D!

School is starting!! And holidays are ending!! Although it is punctuated with a question mark, the real expression should be changed with this =.=”

G-O-D--------I-S--------G-R-E-A-T

2009-04-02T22:59:00.001+08:00

Well, God has been really good to be today. My court case went smoothly, and I met someone unexpectedly (Justin you know who I mean)!!! I got 12 months of probation and 80 hours of community service. Well at least this episode is over; I just have to stay out of trouble for the rest of my life. Guess that shouldn’t be too difficult. I least I get to have evening life without the night life. Guess in a way, it is good, so I can control myself more and study hard. Things seem to be clearer and I feel that things should be going smoothly from now. Its time I do the right things, make right decisions. As an 18 year old, I am responsible for my own decisions, and to be able to bear all consequences of my mistakes.

School is starting soon, and my hair is very SHORT. Weird to the max! Short hair feels comfortable though. It’s the physiological factor that affects me the most actually. I’ve been a regular at Starbucks that now all the people there remembers me! Haha!!!! Tomorrow will be another Starbucks day I guess.

Thank God for everything: D

Every punch or kick is thrown to me I will dodge everything thrown to me Even if a shot is landed I’ll suck in the pain I will return the shot in 10 folds If I fall, I will stand up and fight again I will never surrender to pain and suffering VICTORY IS MINE

water features!!!

2009-03-31T22:57:00.002+08:00

Well, today was spent chilling. Lunch at pizza hut with Justin, then chiong-ing rock legend at my house, and fun with artificial water features, and ended with Starbucks, my favourite hangout now. Tomorrow, I will be cutting my hair; short! As Thursday approaches, the sense of anxiety just worries me. I really pray and wish the best verdict for myself. Tell me why it’s so hard to forget, please don’t remind me.

Well, I have some resolutions I want to set although it is not the beginning of a new year or anything, but it is a new chapter in my life. My resolution in polytechnic is to do well, get at least 3.2 for G.P.A, to equip myself with the skills needed in the business industry. For taekwondo is to win at least silver in any competition this year. For my faith, I wish I go back to church more regularly. For my proficiency in English, I hope my command of the language would be better, so I can speak more like a gentleman instead of a Singaporean. For music, I hope I can bring my level of skills in drumming to a whole new level, and complete writing 2 songs this year. And as for health, (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!) slim down by ALOT!! HAHA!

I just realise that my addiction to cigarettes is physiological. Well, I feel so empty without it. I can’t seem to get things done right without it. When I face a problem, the first thing would be cigarettes. I have actually stopped for a while, but since this case reopened, it’s the thing I use to de-stress. Once this is over, I’m going to stop myself from such bad habits. Although friends have been advising me to quit, the fail to realise the problems I face and keep to myself. I believe everyone has their own problems they usually keep to themselves and not share it. Well mine has been piling up; to a certain extent that suicide is even one of the options. I’m really glad a few months back He Feng , talking some sense into me, and help me see new light and gave me the motivation to brave through this mess I’ve done. Although it is painful, I have faith in God, and leave everything up to him, trust him and his plans for me.

In times of fear, hope seems like the summer birds, too swiftly flown away. Seeking faith and confession becomes the life-vest in the midst of the ocean. Help doesn’t always come when you ask, but miracles do happen when you believe. Believing is easy, trusting and betting everything on it is hard, but miracles do occur when you believe. Do angels contemplate my fate? Life can be unfair at times. But I will maintain faith and never let go. It is especially during the lowest point of my life where I must leave my life to the fullest potential, to triumph over any difficult circumstances thrown into my face with hope and courage. I will keep going and persevere to the best of my ability, to gain strength to manage the new challenges ahead. Each problem I conquer is another important step forward. Although I am weak, my God is strong. He is my strength. Every victory I gain belongs to him.

until then

2009-03-30T22:58:00.001+08:00

It’s really weird when things were so hectic, and finally when I have all the time in the world, daydreaming becomes my favourite past time. I get to relax and enjoy my coffee without the company of books. Coffee used to be a stimulant to help me stay awake through the night. Now, it’s my luxury. Of cause sleeping against the clock has become a habit which I’m trying hard to change. Holidays are fun, even with probation. My mum has been supportive of me in this court case, and although she deducts my allowance, she still stuffs some cash in my wallet when it is empty. My uncle also made my birthday present practical for me- - -in cash! Although I’ve yet to shop for my school ‘uniform’, I’m just making do with what I have now. My clothes seem to disappear. If any of you borrow my shirts, please return if it looks nice thanks!

As Thursday is approaching, the last time I ever have to go to court again. I have this sense of excitement and fear. The sense of excitement is there because this might all end as soon. Fear seems to be lingering because probation is not a confirmed thing. Well I will just leave this up to God. But still I pray for the best results. I never fail to feel ashamed of my actions. But without this incident, I may never change for the better. Although I may not be the person with the best personality, but I believe it is definitely much better than before. At least I don’t go around staring at random people, picking up fights randomly. Now I can even stop people from fighting, and not be agitated with insults. My primary 1 teacher was right. Sticks and stone can hurt my bones, but words can never ever hurt me.

Your smile my lullaby
Your touch my pain killers
You scent my aroma therapy
Your glances my shy tickle
Your kiss I fantasize

dragon hunters 2

2009-03-24T20:57:00.002+08:00

I’ve been suffering from insomnia recently. I haven’t been able to sleep well or rather at all. Even if I do, weird dreams happen. And the feeling of being suppressed is really repulsive. This emotional battle is way harder than a physical fight. If only a KO exist in this physiological chaos, I will punch it so hard in the face. But all i can do now, is to take a step at a time, and see how things go; game plan= defensive. I can never seem to stop thinking; I really wish I can just stop thinking and enjoy the holidays, but it is somehow impossible. School is starting soon, and I haven’t got the case over and done with.

Well, today was relaxing I must say. I spent most of the day at Starbucks relaxing with Jon and juS. In fact I’m still at Starbucks. It’s really good to have such a long break, I can relax and have some alone time. Well, these few months have been so stressful, that I have a few white hairs! I had to pluck them one by one. Its a sign of stress . i guess i have to dye my hair already. If not I’ll go bald.

Well ahkiat!!!!! We can go boxing soon!!!!!!! Coolio!

Glaziers melting in the night
Fighting with all my might
You are squeezing me too tight
If only God gave me some light
If only I haven’t tried
If only burdens were light
I wouldn’t have cried
Would it end if I died?

these hurt very much. Thank You

2009-03-19T02:05:00.001+08:00

I used to believe time can heal all wounds, However they don’t heal at all. What I mean here isn’t the cliché 'bleeding non-stop’ idea most would actually think of. However, it’s the scaring process, and the aftermath. The real pain actually comes from the scar, not the physical pain at all. It’s the life time of regret that hurts the most. The problem is that everyone makes mistakes. Some mistakes done, leave behind a 'mark’ and it certainly does some changes to the life ahead. The thing here is not regret. I feel no regret, because regret is not doing something when you had the chance. But doing something wrong when you had the chance to make it right is foolish.

Now, when I have enjoyed freedom my whole life and it’s suddenly taken away from me, I feel violated. However, my cries just remained at the same status of water, just water; important but ignored. What was I to say to the person whom my fate is 'entrusted’ to? Some profanities that can help ease my anger, or just a punch in the face? I guess those thoughts can only be trapped within my thoughts and not manifested in real life. Even staying at my own home has its rules and regulations set by government bodies. Every question asked made me feel uncomfortable. Is this real? This is just so primitive? Hasn’t man gone through so many evolutions? Even after all man has gone through can’t they even differentiate what’s right, and what’s wrong? There is no point on me doing anything about it, because in the past 18 years of my life, I’ve been a failure. I haven’t treasured my life, haven’t done my best in ANYTHING.

Well school is going to start soon, and all these nonsense is still going on. I really wish this would all end and put this shadow of my life away in the closet.

Dear God,

Where have you been when I needed you the most? Why have you forsaken me? Why do I have to endure all this trials and turmoil? Please send me an angel, and promote the devil to an angel because the devil has been doing its work way too well.

amen

brother

2009-03-14T21:14:00.005+08:00

School is starting soon, and my court case isn’t over. I really hope this case will come to an end soon. I’m put on trial probation, to see if I’m suitable for probation. I’ve also been put on a curfew. Well, really hope this nightmare will come to an end. Trust me, I really do. Well, today was fine; I went to meet ahkiat (atomic cat) for some light kickboxing training. He helped me brush up on my punches! Well, my hook like usual, still a disappointment. But nevertheless, I’m going to continue brushing up on it! After which, we slacked a while and I headed back home to go for taekwondo. Picture of me and gege on birthday:D we have the same birth date! How cool is that!Ps: you are stunning and you Mesmerised me!!!

you are still my birthday wish

2009-03-12T05:24:00.001+08:00

Moments in life that defines me, explains my ways, tell my story, and shares my ideas. And what defines humanity, its ways, its values, and what is right, and what is wrong. What is fair, and what is not. There are the times when trouble keeps crawling up onto my shoulders. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s my fault, or destiny. With each trouble, I weaken instantly, but after overcoming it, I realise I’ve became stronger. Not physically, but in my thinking. Overcoming trouble is not easy, but when overcoming so many troubles at a time, it is impossible for me. But I believe in my stand that nothing is impossible for God. I learn to trust in him. I learnt to accept things I cannot change, and to fight all I can for things I can change to make my life better, the world is really different to me now. The people around are so emotional and easily agitated. It makes the choice of words more difficult. Sometimes simple insults hurt more than profanities. The pace of life is so quick now. Everything is about speed. It’s really difficult to take some time off to relax, to love, to enjoy the gifts of nature God given to me. When the rain comes on a busy day, I never stopped to look up at the sky and see the dark clouds and listen to the sound of rain like when I was a child. I don’t have time to look up into the sky and try to use my imagination to discover what images the clouds can form. I’m fortunate I have such a long break to enjoy my holidays. I managed to enjoy take life easily and relax before the next chapter of my life begins. A new chapter in life that will discover new people, new ideas, new environment. But as for now, I guess I’m going to enjoy this holiday, and get charged up for the following 3 years. I have already wasted a year. I cannot afford to waste anther year. I pray that God will give me strength to persevere during this journey. And as for myself, I’ll need to be more drive in life to work harder for things, and learn not to give up half way and persevere all the way. Although I may not be that perfect person, I’ll want to be the best that I can be.

Finally, I’ve reached the age of 18, the beginning of manhood, and the end of young teens age. The past few years have been tough, with endless troubles and problems. Well I really hope that now, things will mellow, and trouble will be kept at the minimum. Mummy got me a new laptop for my birthday, and it’s been really fun playing with it and all. And thanks to all for your birthday wishes! It’s all greatly appreciated. Thanks!

You left me for heaven
You left me your shadow
Your presence in every corner, every inch, and in me
You taught me to write, you taught me to speak
You brought me to school, and taught me many lessons in life
I never understood then but I appreciate them now.
Every birthday your death cast a shadow deep within me.
I need to gather strength to go past each birthday
Wishing you was back here to teach me once again how to live
You were so wise, yet I’m such a failure.
You wanted me to follow your footsteps
Yet I went against your wishes.
Now that I’ve fallen, and fallen real bad
I find it hard to get back on my feet
But I believe one day, I’ll be as great as you
To be as successful as you.
I will walk in your footsteps to be a successful businessman

amendments

2009-03-02T23:22:00.002+08:00

Today was another day at the court. This time, it’s the scariest experience. I remember walking into the dimly lighted court room. It’s cold and quiet initially. Soon the lawyers start to enter and they begin their work. I waited for over an hour, before the judge arrived at the court. Soon the court clerk started calling out the names of the accused. After much worrying and praying, it was my turn unfortunately. I walked to the stand slowly, each step with fear. The heated up battle between the lawyer and the public prosecutor began. A sense of negative anticipating begins to make my heart beat twice as fast as usual. The beats were pumped with much vigour and fear. I felt that my hands and feet were cold. I put my hands in my pocket, and watched the two fighting; the lawyer fighting for me, and public prosecutor against me. I could only stand there helpless and to stand there to allow the lawyer to fight my case. I wanted to rebut the public prosecutor with every single charged read out, I had the words, but I don’t have the RIGHTS to say anything. My words are weightless. It just shows that one wrong move in life can lead to such a mess. The result of making the wrong choice caused this mess. Luckily, the judge is willing to give me a chance to see if I was suitable for probation. During these four weeks, I’ll be on curfew imposed by the judge. It feels like a certain percentage of my life is just wasted away, and it makes me regret wasting time and not studying hard. Now, I no longer have any wish to see who is right and who is wrong, whether the law is fair and just or the law is inhumane. I just wish that this episode to be over and have back a total control over my own life, my freedom of being home whatever time I like, dying my hair to different colours, and so much more. Well this is a harsh lesson that reality is harsh.

Life is just so mundane and aimless. Everything is being mixed up like a jig-saw puzzle. Now I don’t even have any drive to even put my thought properly, I can’t think properly. People don’t trust me, and I can’t trust anyone anymore. This acting game is getting really out of hands. I cannot seem to take control of my own life anymore. With my leg still injured, walking a few steps feels like a marathon. I’m staying at home almost every single day, not because of the law, but my leg is so hurt that the pain goes right into the stomach from my legs, to my head.

I guess I haven’t been going to church lately, thus explaining this emptiness. Well, I guess God sure has His ways to pull me back to church. I shall go to church this week if my leg permits I guess. Until then watching hongkong drama is the best entertainment, and sleeping, world’s greatest luxury, and shitting, the world’s greatest relieve.

Perfection isn’t achieving 100/100. It’s about doing better that expected and achieve the unexpected (in this case expectations are 100/100)

street fighter fever!

2009-02-24T00:25:00.011+08:00

street fighters is so cool! its so fun to play on psp! its so nice to watch on cartoon and movie! and the new street fighters movie is coming out!!!!!!!!!! so exciting!!! if only i can do hadoken! haha!

implusive ambition- - a barrister

2009-02-23T01:45:00.001+08:00

My leg still hurt to the freaking max. I can’t walk without holding on to something. It really makes me feel so useless today. Mummy had to do everything. Bring me my dinner, water, remote control… what if this last forever? How do people who become handicap feel forever? The physical and emotional negativity is immense. Well I just have to count my blessings and just be glad or rather hope this is temporary. The pain on my leg is excruciating, every single twitch on the leg will cause a massive signal of pain that is beyond description. It is definitely the first time in my life where I couldn’t walk to the toilet. It’s going to be one of the pains I’ll never forget…..

The heart usually associated with the feeling; love. However recently instead of love and the other things branched out from love, like compassion, just disappeared. The feeling of fear just creeps in. The sense of insecurity just makes me mad. Injustice also makes me furious. Law is a game only for the rich, and the poor, they are just pawns. Lady Justice covers her eyes with a cloth. She thinks this is the fairest way to judge a person. She does not even look at the person, how can she judge? She doesn’t look into his eyes to feel his emotions? So can she say it’s fair and just? Even if she is not blindfolded, does she know the real truth? Can she feel the emotions and understand the truth? Isn’t it law enforcer’s role to uphold the law? Isn’t it the judge to make fair decisions? Isn’t it the government’s role to ensure the fairness and equality given to all? Does it mean to say that as long as someone takes the blame, this is called fairness? Well Lady Justice is a Greek goddess. She represents the fairness of law. Her statue is distinct by the weighting scale on her left, the sword on the right, and a blindfold over her eyes. I thought I was strong. I thought I could protect myself from any thing. Now I can’t even safe myself. As the last court hearing approaches, I will be attending court to plead guilty for a charge which I didn’t do. The verdict will be upon me on the 2nd of March. People comfort me by saying this is life. But in my heart I say this is hell. Life definitely holds greater meaning than this doesn’t it? More fairness, more rights, more freedom, more compassion, more mutual understanding, more love, more fun?
Does it not? Or I’m wrong once again?

It definitely does not feel right when you start to detest your friends due to their words, reaction to your comments and their attitude. It really gets me to think if true friendship even occurred within this 17 over years in my life. But again, what’s the yardstick for friendship. I definitely have changed. My perspective different. And it makes me see people and things differently. And this change just occurred to sudden. I realise some ‘closest’ friends actually did things ‘for me’ which was actually to benefit them. Will they sacrifice ONE strain of their hair or ONE drip of blood for me? Will they follow me though the darkest times without a single word of lament? Will they care when I’m down? Is this the perfect world I’m living in? Or is it just me. Am I so imperfect that friends are just friends for fun, no friends for sorrow? Well one thing for sure is I can count on myself. I can survive alone. My deepest and darkest secrets and problems can be cast away with the use of cigarettes and alcohol. I believe that’s the only way so far. Although the problem does not go away, it give me a clearer head to think one hoe to tackle each problem at a time, instead of being frustrated with everything crumbling at once. I guess I’ve been so stupid for the past years in my life to sacrifice time and effort for some. I do not know how to say no. I don’t like to disappoint others. Well, from now, I’m going to do things at my own accord, not what others actually expect of me.

Ps: the pain in my leg kept ringing while writing this post! So OUCH!!!!!!!

2009-02-21T23:06:00.001+08:00

i got injured during taekwondo! and i can't even walk:( i struggled home in pain! AN I AM STILL IN PAIN!!!!!!! i've got a panda leg now=.="

d-r-a-m-a

2009-02-21T01:21:00.000+08:00

If only life was just like a drama. The leading actress does not seem as pretty as professional models, but circumstances from the story line and make up makes her gorgeous and mesmerising. In life, many little things we do, use, need or have seems too unimportant. If only we know the value and understand things, maybe we will appreciate things better. Just like first impressions. People tend to carry too much expectation or caution with a person’s first impression. If only we could study people we know like watching a drama, maybe we would understand each other better, and less conflicts may occur. Although I know this is an idea that’s only existent in dreams and fantasy, but I also do believe dreams may come true, where the world need not be too dramatic and false. Well this is just some casual idea on my part. Got addicted to watching the Hong Kong drama (survivor’s law 2). So interesting haha! Ella Koon seems so fine in the show! Haha!

Man’s character is his fate

2009-02-17T01:32:00.003+08:00

Character defines every unique aspect of a person. Looks are superficial, however considered as one of the most important criteria in judging a person. Beauty is one of the rare things that do not lead to doubt of God. Today, or rather yesterday’s day at the court definitely made me jump out of my skin, but also a relieve its all going to be over soon, and the agony to go to court will finally see the end soon. However for Kasem, things are bleak but I wish him all the best. To bear failure with courage is the best proof of character that anyone can give. Well I definitely hope and pray that the verdict will be optimistic, but still God is author of my ‘life’s story’ so I shall just trust in him and let things go as it is fated to be. Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.

Well, life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get. Childhood was on of the most carefree period of my life when all is calm, all is bright. But as time past, things started to turn out not as good as it seems. Well no one to blame except for myself anyway. I could have gotten out of that ‘shower’ when I could to save all this trouble. Well it is all fate I guess, if not I would not have learnt so much. Every man has his own destiny: the only necessary thing is to follow it and accept it, no matter where it leads me, and not to forget making wise choices when I have to and not always let ‘fate’ take control.

Well, thanks ahkiat for following me to court and your encouragements. I really appreciate you as a friend. Well I’m not going to write you something long now, cause you still got much to do yeah?! Haha! (no book for/of you till you do something big)

ps: Nothing hurts more then waiting since I don’t even know what I’m waiting for anymore.

de-stress

2009-02-16T23:34:00.008+08:00

spasm
mr toh!

ahhh!!!! matching? or not?!
elmo's new best friend:D

bruce lee day

2009-02-14T21:28:00.001+08:00

i am physically worn out, period

may my dream come true, question or statement

2009-02-13T01:01:00.003+08:00

The memories ginger bread man told
Left ugly duckling stranded
And Alice in wonderland
The brave Peter Pan and the 3 little pigs
Fought with Captain Hook
In fairytale land
Puss in boots went alongside them to help
The big bad wolf blew away the 3 little pigs
Sinbad’s ship went past and saved them
Pocahontas saw Sinbad’s ship nearing
Felt scared and blew the colours of the wind
101 Dalmatians together with lady and the tramp
Saw the cow jump over the moon
Beauty and the beast saw
The dish ran away with the spoon
The boy who called wolf
Conned the emperor of his ‘new clothes’
The princess who kissed the ‘frog prince’
Fell in love with lion king
Jack never had to be hungry again with a castle in his beanstalk he grew back
Cinderella slept for a few thousand years
Snow white went to the ball in a pumpkin
Sleeping beauty cross the troll bridge with the 3 Billy goat gruff
Hansel and Gretel went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
The nutcracker told the whole world the sky was falling
The pied piper of Hamelin climbed over Rapunzel’s head
Pooh married hello kitty
Tom Thumb dated Thumbelina
The aristocrats went to sea to find Ariel the little mermaid
Robin Hood robbed Jane from Tarzan
Casper had blood running through his veins
Robinson Crusoe met Thursday before Friday
Fairytales are ever so fascinating
If life has endings of fairytales
If only fairness and equality the older generation teach exits
If only peace and prosperity prevails
The life I’ve lived, is just like the messed up fairytales above
And even if I didn’t mess them up,
Fairytales are as messed up as they are in reality
If only fairytales and dreams exits…..

ps: seriously all the photos i posted were all taken by me...........

nostelgia

2009-02-10T00:01:00.014+08:00

Today was a day of reminiscing. I went to send my mp3 for some fixing as the Lcd cracked for over 6 months, and I haven’t got time to send it down for repair. So I did so and on the way back, I went past my primary school and felt an urge to go in and take a look; nostalgia took over me. The first thing that caught my eye was the guard house which was still there! When I was in primary 1, the nice security guard would let me sit in his guard house and wait for my dad to pick me up. The guard house was still there. The wooden flooring and the tall chair I chose to sit on over the school chair that was in that small space. As I walked further in the school, I saw the school bus I took that was still there fetching other kids! Well many memories rushed through my mind, the good and the bad. I told myself I must avoid my primary 5 Chinese teacher at all cost! Haha! Well I remembered that I made my Chinese teacher in p5 cry and caused much inconvenience to her. I walked up to the notice board that showed the photos of teachers that were teaching in the school. I saw some familiar faces, and felt disappointed that I didn’t see some. When would I ever get the chance to see them again? Were they even still alive? Well, I was kinda sad as they were the people who made some differences in my life. The next place I went was the canteen! Haha! It was still the same, except there is a TV that aired shows from the discovery channel. Then I thought what if I was born a decade later, how different would my life be? The people whom I know now wouldn’t know me anymore, and how different would my life be without them. It soon turned into a complex idea which is too far fetched; you get my drift! I walked up the stairs and went pass the school hall. I remember those days when I was in drama club, the acting on stage and how much I loved acting. And now I have to act everyday below the stage in a realm people call reality, acting in a drama titled ‘Gabriel’s lies’. Being someone whom I am really not is hard to be, but I’ve acted for the past 7 years. This would be my eighth year of all these acting. When can I stop? The stage reminded me of a little dream of mine which came true. I prayed every night that I would be able to play the guitar, the piano, the drums and the bass, and it all came true. Not all actually,I ain’t so good yet, i haven't played as well as my dream. Well at least part of that dream has came true. I then walked passed the classrooms from the first floor to the top. Trying to recall every teacher for each grade I was in. remembering the corner where I stood outside the class and pulled my ear as punishment, to the times when I bleed when I got punched in the face and walked through the halls ways crying. The determination I had to be the best fighter and never get bullied again began from the blood and tears that was shed. I am still aiming to be a better fighter. But now, no matter how well I fight, I still cannot protect myself from the law which is formless and lifeless, but it's a force so great it can ruin ones life without looking in between the lines of humanity. I looked down to the school field, the basketball court, and remembered the happy moments of fun and games, the assembly area where I stood and dread the heat from the scorching sun. I saw some teacher who didn’t recognize me but eventually did! Haha! They said the recognized me by my tummy and was suprised by the change in the way i look! Haha! So glad they didn’t notice the tummy under my shirt! I went to many other places around the school, and the memories that I gathered were bitter and sweet. The last place I went to left the biggest impact. It was the school hall again, but this time, they were singing the school song. The melody and most words remained, but the dedication of the song to St. Michaels was no more. The school where my father and brother studied; St. Michaels has now ceased to exist. It is now named, St. Joseph Junior. The memories still linger on that land, and deep in my heart. It is going to be a memory that will be kept and cherished forever. The words from the school song suddenly make sense. 'All that is vile reject and ever heaven will protect'. I guess I haven’t been rejecting the vile. Guess there's still much lessons to be learnt.

The memories that remains attached forever in my heart
The baby teeth I kept in a camera film bottle
The pain I suffered lingers in the mind
The time I spent and wasted, I never get to keep them anymore

Would I have done it if today was the last day the world would spin?
Would I regret if I said those words to you?
Would I remember everyone I knew when I wake up tomorrow?
Would I get to see the sun, the clouds, the stars and the moon tomorrow?
Regret is about the things I have not done, and not the things I’ve done.
And about things you did and you wished you didn’t do= stupidity
Well I ain’t going to be stupid again
In actual fact, I’m just living in self denial, fearing failure

MUSIC my expressions my life
My life as complicated as the keys on the piano**
My lies as intriguing as Beethoven's 5th Symphony
My ideas as mysterious as toccata and fugue in d minor by Bach

Why live when you still got to die?
Why be happy when you are still going to cry?
Why do believe in miracles when you know it’s almost impossible?
Why pray if you don’t see God?
Why love when you know it ends no matter how?
Purpose of life and love explains it all……….

** it is never completely white, but without the black keys, it is never going to be complete without the minors, flats and sharps that brings in most of the emotions of a song. my life will never ever be white and pure. i will have some black stains in my life, but i will make use of the black stains and compose the most wonderful symphony man has ever heard, and angels will rejoice and The Lord will shine his face upon me and give me Grace. i believe it is then when a change in me will begin.-

Aspirations

2009-02-07T22:58:00.007+08:00

Have you ever wished to be someone else?
Have you ever wished if some things would be better?
Have you ever wished you could change history?
Have you ever wished all your dreams come true?

Plans that have gone astray
Believes that have been shattered
Trust that have been broken
Pain that lingers
Feelings that has been complicated
Future that I cannot picture

Well, recently many things have been happening. Life has not been able to strike a balance. It’s either very tiring or boring. It’s kind of a relief that there is no school, but the court case seems to be worrying me without fail everyday. It’s becoming a shadow in my life that keeps following me where ever I go. Guess that’s the price one has to pay for a wrong deed. There is nothing such as compassion in life. The only compassions received are all curiosity. The only get away I get is when I teach taekwondo to young kids. I guess the reason I feel relax when I’m with them is because I yearn for that childish thinking that anything is possible if you just work hard and believe, their ignorance, their genuine emotions and they never lie because there is no need to. It’s also kind of a therapy for my childhood that was a fairytale that gone wrong. What I didn’t get I guess I just want to give to others. The kids will tell you everything about their school life, about their siblings, about the cartoons they watch. Guess time as a child is going to be one of those times I’ll never forget ever. I got into RP. And I guess my life is going to a cross road again. Its either I’ll be a guy wasting his life away, or doing it right this time. I hope this time all I do it ALL right.

Habits are hard to break. Addiction is impossible without the willpower. period

singing into the twilight

2009-02-03T23:44:00.008+08:00

Before the beginning of spring you came
The storm you blew cast me away
From the truth I’ve always hang on to
Your scent I hunger for
Your touch I lust
Am I still human anymore?
My feelings caught between life and death
You are an image of Immortality, relieving but painful
Perfection ever so mysterious
Transcended from heaven, descendent of hell
Peace which I don’t see in the near future
Miracle may be rare, but dreams will come true

the law is guilty but i can't fight it

2009-02-03T00:39:00.001+08:00

I’m feeling empty
I can feel the pressure
Its getting closer
There is nothing left to show and to hide
Money makes the world go round

If you are poor
You get a court case when you are innocent
It means you are screwed
If you are rich
You get a court case when you are guilty
Its just a roller coaster ride and everything will be just fine after it stops(which is usually very quick)

Where is fairness, justice, equality and every single aspect of humanity?
What has greed done to this world?
Humans killing humans to achieve their mortal desires
That’s what beasts do when they encounter any conflict
After so much progress man has made,
The roots of man’s vile behaviours stills linger on
When will all these fade away?

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight
I wish that I can just go to a place with no worries
I wish I do not have to use cigarettes and alcohol to relieve my anxieties
I wish problems would just go away
I wish I could be a little selfish sometimes

They tape over my mouth and scribble their lies over your truths
Guilty in the ‘eyes of law’, innocent in the eyes of humanity
This educated society is not as cultured as it seems
Just look at it this way, People just never change

To a certain person, who is already an adult, and is paid to keep the community save instead of harming others:
You pretended to be a nice person initially, saying pleading guilty would be the only way, I got a lawyer, and realise your words are all lies. Now you want to cover you own butt, you try ruining my life at all cost. To get to your promotion, you didn’t even bother reading through the representations, and said it was unbelievable. You lack vocabulary in your language, I doubt you competence in even understanding the letter. You cannot say a sentence in proper English without any grammatical errors. You took my statement, and changed the words to suit you. You didn’t dictate my words. I was injured; you forced me to take my statement. The agony I faced with a broken bone and you didn’t do your job, needless to say, humanity. Shouldn’t you be looking for a wanted guy? What are you doing wasting your time harming others to bring yourself up? If you think you will get away with it, trust me you won’t because karma will turn around and bite you harder than you will ever imagine.

This society has a major problem that people deny and ignore.

I will push as far as I can go

2009-02-01T22:01:00.007+08:00

PART 1
It’s going to be 2nd Feb so soon, and I can’t help but feel nervous. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but I really hope all will turn out well. Tonight may be the last night I can stay out. As time ticks by, the anxiety grows stronger, the suspense gets stronger, but I get weaker. This uncertainty is crippling me. Tomorrow should actually be the start of orientation at MI, but I would be moving on to RP to study. I thought for quite a while before I realise the A ‘level route was not meant for me, I’m at a chapter of my life, where burdens, trials, problems and lies keep pouring over me. I doubt I can handle so much stress. Some may just say I’m weak, but I guess you shouldn’t judge a person until you step into their shoes, and experience it all. The grass is always greener at the other pastures. I have held on to faith in God, remembering his words that His grace is sufficient for me, for his power is made perfect in weakness. Now I’m weak, and I can survive till today, due to His perfect grace. I may not be that perfect Christian everyone expects me to be, but I’ll strive to be the most perfect servant of God and trust in him with all my heart and all my soul. My earnest wish is that this case will come to a closure tomorrow with a good ending, an ending which will acquit me of all charges against me. When this happens, I shall just start life on a clean sheet, and do it all right this time. Even if, the results are not so positive, I will trust in God, because I know he has great plans for me.

PART 2
Lies and deceit are tiring; I wish all these would just stop, and I can just forget about all of it. Although all these lies and secrets may maintain this friendship, it’s too taxing for me to keep it. I’m just hurting all of them, most importantly, I hurt myself more. Every lie I make, every secret I swore to keep just stabs me right through my flesh, so much so this 'bleeding' cannot stop anymore until I put a stop to all this. Who will be there to wipe my tears and fight my fears? I fear to pray because I’ve sinned. Jesus won’t want me to continuing lying. Its painful, yes it is. But I believe I can get through this in one piece

PART3
You’ve clouded up my mind
Eaten up my soul
Stole my faith
Broken my promise
You make it seem all seems fine when it is not
And it is very frustrating because it’s all
You vent your anger on me so often, I don’t know if it’s my wrong
Your words hold too many meanings
Your eyes tell too many secrets

I cannot decode you
I cannot feel your emotions
I cannot understand your thoughts
I cannot see your true colours
I am deceived

PART 4
I hope all this curse would be stopped this time. I hope the only troubles I face would be those I can fix by myself, and not by a miracle which never seems to occur. I wish there can be less violence in the world. I wish people would be more truthful. I wish time would allow me to do more things. I wish life would hold a greater purpose for me. I wish people would express themselves not with violence and profanities, but instead with love and joy. I wish my family would be more closely bonded. I wish the uncertainties ahead I worry would turn out to be something I should look forward to. I wish peace and compassion would be in every person’s heart, mind and soul.

If all this comes true, my life and yours would be so much more perfect, so much more meaningful, and so much more TRUE.

voices in my head

2009-01-27T00:32:00.005+08:00

My blood in my veins
Runs with anger,
With violence, with scorn
Pain is inevitable, but a positive mindset can change fate
Danger and trouble may come my way
I may not be able to avoid them
But I’ll do my best to avoid it all
If it happens I’ll just hope for a miracle
Fate controls everything
But I must learn to control fate, at least my own
I’m given the power to make my own choices
To weave my fate, I need to set the right choices
Sometimes the words I say are not the way I choose to live
I make the words; the words don’t decide who I’ll be
Staring at the carnage you designed
I just had to be strong and live in rage to protect myself
Please erase this agony and set me free
I don’t want to be your slave
Spring brings about a sensation that’s close to nostalgia
However it’s the opposite, the total opposite of nostalgia
The past does not hold many good memories to be fond of
I feel the poison rising out when I see your shadows
You are just like a venomous bite that empties my strength
When you are near, I can still feel your fangs within
I can’t control this anguish
The little things within raging a storm which I cannot calm
My heart is filled with all this venom you infused
I just have to cut my communication with the world.

Ps: To those who are concerned. Don’t ask me if I’m ok, because I’m not. I am going through a rough time now. I just need some time alone. Thanks

it has began

2009-01-26T00:12:00.005+08:00

My fist and feet are all I have to defend myself, but this time, they cannot protect me anymore. Faith + miracle are the only remedy. To cut the ties with the world like a monk is the only way I’ll feel better. It’s not the same since 1991. This feeling is killing me. It’s like a rattle snake in my chest, and a devil in my mind. This fear is crippling me. The future ahead holds too many uncertainties. I don’t want to have any feelings like a human. I don’t want to feel hurt. I want to fight without showing any mercy. I want to be ruthless in my studies and work. I don’t want any other distractions. So what if it is a new year, it just means angpow, new clothes, nice food. That’s not what I need right now. You're just an icon of self-indulgence

Distance brings you closer
Time waits for you
Force attracts you
Faith compels you

You live, you die
You laugh, you cry
You rise up, you fall
You listen. You forget
You stand up, you fall
So what am I here for?

As formless as water
As light as the clouds
As cold as ice
As gentle as tears
A personality of water

The first cut is the deepest
These wounds won’t seem to heal
It is something time cannot erase
Because this pain is just too real

All the dreams I left behind
I wished I held on and never let go
All I kept was just a part of it, a memory
It’s just like the stars I’ll never be able to reach

insanity

2009-01-25T00:48:00.008+08:00

I want to push you around
I want to take you for granted
Another spring taking place for the 18th time
My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that
The birds and sun, you know how I feel
When is the new dawn, the new day, the new life for me
Who are you to judge me for who I am and what I do.
Your honesty is too much
I’m staring at a broken wall and its making me insane

The moment you touch me you’ll melt
The moment you look at me you’ll freeze
The moment you hear me you’ll dissolve all fears
The moment you spoke I cried

The words I never put together to suit you
The music that never describes you
The scent I’ve forgotten
The touch I’ve forgotten
The gaze I’ve forgotten
The memory ceases to exists

The song I wrote about the symphony you conducted
My foundations uprooted from the storm you invited
My clear mind you cracked
My serenity you cracked
My cry your laugh
My time your victim

My trees blue
My fire purple
My sky yellow
My grass pink
My lips green
My clouds red
My thoughts my colours

2nd February

2009-01-24T13:58:00.006+08:00

Seclusion for 10 days could only be the way

My thoughts you’ll never decode

My force you’ll never withstand

You won’t be able to find me

Because I cannot seem to find myself anymore……………

2009-01-24T03:30:00.003+08:00

In the end it doesn’t even matter. It just boils down to this. Stop pressing me anymore. I can be very nice, but please don’t make me rage. I haven’t been so grouchy for so long, and I don’t intend do even flare up. I’ve told you time and again to stop it, but you just keep on continuing your ways. I’ve been trying to put a stop to this but why must you keep pressing? Why?! You’re so sinister, why? I’ve said I wanted nothing to do with you already, so please don’t bother me.

And lesson learnt yesterday! Dunn let jon take ya video, haha!!

this is my stage and i'm the director. its my art and your fantasy

2009-01-22T12:16:00.004+08:00

If my feelings were more like my elbow than the sole of my feet, all these rush would not even be a possibility. They say it’s a chance I’ve got to take, but that’s all I wanted, a chance. God does not answer prayers just like that. He gives you the chance, the opportunity to work towards your wish and prayers. All I’m hanging on to is a sugarcane, Sweet but brittle. Only cigarettes and alcohol can take me away from here. Everything happens for the first time. The first time is always unforgettable. The second time it would just be another routine. There is just so much holding back. When your fate lies in the hands of another man, you are already deprived of the basic gifts of humanity; freedom. When the judges sentence you, the society sentences you to death already. That’s the emotional scar I have to live with. And all I wanted was somebody who cared. Well I guess that’s impossible for now. As dates like these approaches, the rush to end your life gets so strong. So strong I couldn’t control it without prayers and dreams. I keep running away from the truth when I realised reality is harsh. But my heart must be harder. As I am waiting for my poly posting, I feel excited that there is going to be a new beginning, and hope this new chapter brings about positive changes in everything. When the only person who can show you the way is not responding, I just have to suffer till He responds with a miracle.

an un-named song written on 29062007(ps: "to my rich/gay/hawt/cute friend who is in love" )

Em c g d
You have this mesmerising smile that captivates my heart
Em c g d
I tried to avoid this heartache but fell right into it
Em c d em
It felt so good at first, but regretted afterwards
c g d
Wished that I had magical powers to change your heart
C d
It all felt so right when we were are together

g
All the nights we share
c
All the time we share
Em c
It felt as if fate has brought us here
g
Dreamed of you all night
c
Thought of you all day
G d
I hope that you’ll love me!!!

Em c g d
Listen to my song darling and try to understand
Em c g d
How much I loved to see you smile for me
Em c g d
And though this world is cruel, I will shelter all your hurts
C d
Just to see that you are fine and free to love

demand and supply or demanding a supply?

2009-01-20T23:34:00.003+08:00

A lifetime of worry and regret, filled with fears and unfulfilled dreams not met. Who is going to cut me some slack here? You? You? Or you? What's the point of living if we are all going to die? What's the point of being happy if in the end we're going to cry. You can throw me away like a boomerang, but I’ll come back to beat you up.

You crumbled my cookies in your hands and left me hungry. The hunger I’ll never forget. The hunger that injected anger into my bones. The fire within by bones burned together with this anger and turned me into this person I never knew. You came and wiped away all my tears and fought away all my fears. You filled the empty pockets with your grace. But problems kept bombarding me time and again. I keep falling each time I stand. It’s tedious, but each fall seems more violent than another. I feel so stubborn standing up again and again although it’s the right thing to do. But it’s too much.

I’m not a zombie! I am human! I have feelings too! Why must I fall so many times to reach my goal which I can’t even see!? I can feel pain dear God. The smell of lilies and roses remind me of death and the shadow I’m living in. Bring me up as high as souls can fly.

where is the grand-finale?

2009-01-19T00:30:00.005+08:00

Looking back at the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone. Many nights I prayed; with no prove anyone could hear. Although hope is frail, it’s just hard to kill. But my hope just died on me. The many things I can’t explain, I seek faith and speak words I never knew I’ll say. I thought I learnt so much. But in the end, nothing is learnt. Being jealous or weeping? No way! There’s nothing much to say when you stumble when you speak. These things are more complicated than the keys on the piano. Some are just harder to explain than why the sky is blue. I don’t want to be a murderer. It’s complicated and scary to tell the world what I’ve got to say, but this dream within will have a chance to surface. I tried to believe in myself and hiding who I want to be. But I guess just kill me instead. I’m not the fool tonight. The possibility of you feeling this way is almost impossible. But miracles do happen. Although I believe not in this way, it’s the only thing I can hold on to. It’s a chance I’ve got to take. If not the regret will last forever. If friendship was just like Barney and friends, and love like jack and rose for me, dreams that come true, and problems that doesn’t even begins, I guess all these troubles would just end. If fairytales really exists, I don’t mind being part of that fairytale over and over again, as long there is a happy ending. But a thing like this does not actually happen in reality. Reality is always harsh and vile. I believe that’s about accepting whatever reality brings and making the best out of it. If everything thinks like winnie the pooh, there is no need to be so cautious of others. Reading fairytales was boring to me. I guess the only reason is because deep inside I know fairytales does not happen in reality. And I know all written is a goof, but now, I guess it’s not the story that is important. It’s the ending. How it is ended. And seeing how each character fell and rise to glory. That is the most important part of a fairytale. It seems to serve as a motivation to me. All I get is the script of a sad story or a novel, where death is the only way to make the story interesting. In stories like twilight and Harry potter, people must die for the story to be a perfect ending. My story is nothing like a fairytale, instead a drama without the last episode. Last episodes in dramas are always the relieving part for people. However, the last episode never comes, but there will be a season finale, and the story still continues. Who in the world will get a tumour, go in and out of police stations and hospitals, and lose their really really close ones, one after another, and failing every single time. The number of funerals I’ve been to has been more than the weddings I’ve attended. I guess like I said, I’ll just make the best out of the situation, so I’ll just put my trust in God and believe that whatever he plans will be great.

this closure will be a new beginning

2009-01-18T10:51:00.002+08:00

You broke it to me so I can finally see. Seeing things I didn’t want to see is repulsive. I can hang on no longer. It’s so empty inside and so chaotic outside. My strength is weakening physically and emotionally, and it’s hard for me to move on. I tried to be like you, but it’s almost impossible. You taught me to learn from you, but I can’t seem to do anything right?! It’s impossible to even be half as perfect as you. The words coming out of my mouth is crude, my thoughts vile, and my actions disgraceful. How can I ever be as graceful as you? You seem to be just an impossible image to mimic even for the best actor. I’m trying my best not to fail again. I cannot accept anymore failure in life. I can only succeed now. I’m just trying to cut off the split-ends. Hopefully it will turn out fine, though I figured out eventually it will split again if no proper care was done. The commitment involved is evolving to something I cannot control. Now, it’s become an obsession. Is there even somebody that cares?

You’re so mysterious. And your thoughts are just so hard to decode. Your emotions I would never understand. The secrets hidden behind your eyes are so well kept. It’s hard to look beyond those sparkles your eyes set. Those gazes you set are dangerous. I have to put myself within my circle of trust and put everyone out to protect myself. I could never bring myself to hurt my friends. Your mesmerising smile didn’t captivate me this time.

Never understood why emotions can be affected so easily, just by a few words. My guess is that my feelings are sensitive to the tone and emotions set upon those words. Guess I’m going to turn gay sooner or later. Haha! These few days have been tough training for me. I had much training. These trainings managed to keep me away from the way I felt. I pushed my limits and the physical pain I felt cast away all my insecurities and uncertainty. Well being unable to understand others seem somehow unacceptable for me personally. The trainings I went to, I pushed my limits, and I pushed myself all the way. The pain I felt never felt so good before. Somehow, I guess words can never express how I feel in depth. Only music can bring out the pain and fear. I guess vibrations are very important things. Words and music are all vibrations. I feel perfectly tuned to the music I hear and the words being said around me. My feeling seems to be in tuned with all these vibrations. Thus I realise sending others the right ‘vibration’ is very important! If the wrong vibration is sent, you will only be inviting trouble. If you send the right vibrations, who knows? Love and fortune may come in your way. I guess prayer brings about a very good vibration. After praying, I feel relieved. Probably it’s just my excuse of feeling less guilty for the wrongs I’ve done. But sometimes, reality and fate changes because of prayer and the vibrations around us. I guess this is something most Christians may understand by now. Prayer changes reality. But sometimes guilt comes in my moment of prayer. And the faith seems to be broken. I guess when you believe there is light, there is also darkness. The darkness will always seem to harm you in all ways. But remaining in faith will set you free. Faith may not necessarily be about religion. It may be one’s ideologies or believes and commitment.

the end is my perfect ending

2009-01-16T22:53:00.003+08:00

The amount of weight on my shoulder is as impossible as it may seem. But I guess God pulled me through. These uncertainties and problems within are so bothering. I don’t know when all these is going to end. This seems like a never ending road. Death seems to be the only out for me. But there is still so much left for me to do. The imprints left behind hurts. Time seems so slow today. So much so I thought of so much. I guess the problems I’m facing are just a passing phrase. It has been something that taught me much. It taught me about being humble, respectful, caring, understanding. But most important to love my family with all the love I can give. Everything my mother has done for me can be used to make a movie that would be able to win the Grammy awards. That is how great all mothers are. I guess the basic purpose of living is loving all who is around you. Love is a really big word which contains so much complexity for man to find out. With the court case at hand, all I can do now is just pray. I guess that’s what them mean by paying for your crimes. Its really painful. All I ask is just for a chance to start anew. To start again. To be as pure as a baby, as sweet as the lips of a pretty girl, to be as happy as a child, to cherish people I’ve lost more. I believe all these can only happen in my fantasy, but I believe even though these cannot happen, God will not short-change me. Recently, school has been bad. These people treating me as a failure. Just as I want to start afresh, start anew, people just bring me down with all they have. So I have applied to poly. I really hope my choices are right this time. All my life, I’ve been making wrong choices. Really hope I can start to make the right choices from now on, with the sun, the stars, and the moon by my side. Now I just need to rise from the ashes and find my wings, and soar like the eagles with spread wings.

The stars flicker just like you. The wind blew you right into my mind. Stuck into my head. I don’t say little prayers anymore. Problems keep raining upon me. And I cannot hold on anymore. I’m too weak to do this alone. All these false fronts are painful, but it’s my only escape. Stop spinning me around Cutting through my veins with a coin. If only I could shed this skin and begin anew. If only everyday could be as pretty as Christmas lights. The end is still far. I still can’t see it. All I see is just red lights and road blocks, which aids me to lose so many opportunities. Guardian angel where are you? It really hurts to be here alone down here. Positive words are not strong enough. You brought me up, dropped me down again and again, each time I fall I land deeper beneath the ground. I thought you would end it once you were done with it, but you didn’t. Tears cannot heal the wounds. Am I just a pawn in your game? I just wish you could just take back the pain you inflicted upon me.

2009-01-15T15:25:00.002+08:00

Saying it forever won’t remove the thorns in my flesh. I guess actions prove louder than words this time. I never knew what perfection tells. But I do know much about failure. Does perfection even exists? Guess that’s something I have to find out within the next 5 decades or so before I die or turn senile. Somehow lee kwang asked me last night what do I define relaxation as, because he had to do his art project, and that was he topic. Well it took me sometime to think. My answer was sitting in a café when I wake up, and going to a cafe high above all the sky scrapers. Seeing the hustle and bustle of the city through glass windows, listening to classical music by music legends like Chopin, Mozart, and Beethoven. Sipping a glass of coffee and thinking of my life, with the view of an outsider. But then he asked me how to put into picture. Well it took me quite a while, but I managed to have an answer. Water. I feel so relaxed when I bathe, swim, drink, and sometimes even sweat. So I came to a conclusion that water is relaxing. Even hearing it fall is pleasant. Unlike glass when it cracks ( makes me jump out of my skin), water is a serene.

Ahh! I skipped school again today, I woke up, ate my corn flakes, watched a bit of TV then I went to cut hair! And I forgot Chinese New Year hair cuts worth more! And it cost 6 dollars more!!!! Making my haircut worth 26 dollars!!!!! Ouch! Then I went to check out the grip for the golf cub my coach asked me look for…. But could not find it… guess its limited edition or something. Then got home, eat lunch, slept for a while and wake up again… ok too many details.

School tomorrow will end at 12.45! so I wish time will go by fast fast fast tomorrow until 12.45!!!!Yay!

2009-01-13T21:37:00.002+08:00

Well today I skipped school, because it was boring. I decided to enter poly. And quit MI because MI is boring stressful and not fun at all. I’ll still be going school tomorrow and so on until I get posted to poly. I’ll be looking for a job, go train at kasem’s gym as much as possible, after I become a 1 month member. Ha-ha! Today I was in the poly-clinic to get MC, but damn! I waited for 3 hours just to finish the whole process and that does not include walking time, and travelling time. Then, I went home, rested enough, then went to kasem’s muay thai gym. Well, training was tiring. Many basics at first, but the pace of lesson started to build up and kaboom I was tired at the end of it all. Then I got home, and swam. I was suppose to go shopping to get my shirt, but on second thoughts, today is a week day, which means less eye-candy as compared to weekends. So, I decided to go on a weekend instead :D ha-ha!

You’ve got me feeling like a child now.

where can i find you?

2009-01-12T21:19:00.002+08:00

When the streets light are switched on

The life enters and spread through the veins

Like pain and needles deep within

The dark reflections I see are not shadows

It’s just about fucking it right back

The soul is all empty; no one could ever fill it up

Remember all the lessons fed to me

Fireworks are breaking my promises

Beauty that cannot be resisted creeps in and damages

The dangerous sweet scent from your hair is like summer’s breeze

Blowing up the jazz beats to break the forces of nature

Rocking the night all alone with the headsets

I could turn you out to be the talk of the town

If I could save you from dumb dumps

The melody in my head which I can call my own

I’m just the Geek who is nothing without the fierce stares and large physique

Beneath those heavy punches and kicks is a sheep

You’re not hurting me dude, 'cause you're purely subtle.

It’s so hard just to be someone else

Still, everything’s so far away, that you’ll forget who you are

The touch from those hands still lingers on

If that was time well spent, I wished I just break it.

The pressure is getting so closer that the heart is at double time

I’m only a lamb that roars, but also a lion with the heart of the lamb

Did you fall from a shooting star and scarred it on me

Music sometimes loses it touch to removes those scars love leaves behind

Your style is my obsession

The generation that shines through the window planes blinds

If I’m thirsty would you bring on the rain?
If I’m defeated would you raise me up?
If I lose sleep would you give me rest?
If only You would appear right now, right here, it’ll all be alright……………

2009-01-12T06:11:00.008+08:00

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players.............

nocturne

2009-01-11T23:08:00.006+08:00

Well school starts tomorrow and I get the feeling that a new chapter of my life is going to embark. It’s like kind of exciting to go to school tomorrow, but I already know what’s going to happen in school tomorrow. On the other hand, I am contemplating whether I should enrol in polytechnic. However, I guess I’ll take one step at a time. As the date of the court case draws near, I am starting to feel the anxiety crawling slowly into my mind. Something I dread, and try not to think about. 2 major life affecting decisions are really taking over me. I lose much motivation to do many things. I have to put on my fake smile again, and it’s so painful when I reach home, and realise I am not being who I am. But again, if I didn’t my emotions would affect others. And people always talk about each man for himself, but again, the true value of friendship is priceless. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do, and what I’m doing. I really wish I had like a guardian angel to guide me through my life directly, and not indirectly. However this is not possible in reality, it can only be one of the many fantasies I often daydream about.

There are always 2 sides to every story. People always see just one side of things. And it’s often painful to be the blame of things. I guess I only have myself to be blamed. Well it’s not easy to prevent things like this to happen, but I seem to be the cause all the problems, and even the closest ones will blame me for things I am not guilty of.

ps: Well, you are someone I find very scary; you can toy with others just like that. I fear you honestly. I fear I will fall right into the trap like before. But I guess I will not be so stupid again. you cannot fool me again. i won't fall for it the second time.

2009-01-10T08:21:00.003+08:00

well, as the holidays are coming to an end, i think this set of holidays brought much fun, and also much problems. well, i hope school on monday will be ok, cause i retained and there are no lessons and the school still swant all the retainees to go... siao! anyway i am going to apply for poly if possible. ok i'm still tired:/ peace out!

today's shots

2009-01-09T17:51:00.018+08:00

pics for today.

2009-01-09T09:20:00.009+08:00

pig head cakes.

cool skulls from australia zoo! cool stuff.
i was damn tired, but they forced me to take a picture, if not no dinner. ok just kidding
my childhood playmate, who's going missing like for 1 year?!?!
jon jus and santiago(thats not gabriel seriously)
i'm a kids magnet:D

damn! today i woke up feeling damn tired.

thecurbofemotionsunleashing

2009-01-09T00:10:00.012+08:00

Pain is whatever the experiencing person says it is, existing whenever he says it does, fear is nothing but fear itself. Insecurity can be overcome. It takes time and patience and a willingness to believe each person is in fact of innate value. Finding security and learning to trust one's self and environment. Anxiety is spread around my heart like wildfire. People does not express jealousy through a single emotion or a single behaviour, they instead express jealousy through diverse emotions and behaviours, which makes it uncomfortable for people around. Confusion is a symptom that you need some help from someone you trust.

Well humility and calmness is the way to solve all these pain, fear, confusion, anxiety. This has been an expensive lesson I’ve learnt. It isn't not about being humble, it’s also about having self-worth. loving oneself, but not being obsessive.

Differences among people are nothing but the truth. If only people understand what humanity really means, and about respecting others as they respect themselves. The point is that people have no regard for their selves, e.g. embarrassed of their own culture, religion, believes, loved-ones. Believing in what you stand up for is right, but not to an extent of rioting, screaming, fighting, or any other sort of violence. Not even making the situation difficult for others. The world is mixed-up. Too much of combining the different cultures together. That causes things racism, where people voice out without caring for another, disregarding the force of humanity, and Mother Nature.

Words use to mean much, till people misuse the power of words, the power of the tongue, as Christians like me would say. People say, I’m only a Sunday Christian, but I really do not know what they mean by that. I didn't go to church people say that there is something wrong with the church i go to. Well, you guys can't read my mind. You all only know how to weaken the mind power of other, the mind power as in the mood of others in lay man terms.

The leaders of country say there is freedom, however forgiveness is much more important. You can forgive, you can't give freedom. Think about that. Jail convicts find it hard to get back into society. Why? I guess the answer is deep inside all of us already. The fear of the person, the insecurity you feel around that person. I don't even have the freaking guts to say what i feel, what i one out loud. is the so-called humanity in me over -powering me,

but i can never be as wise as the words i just used when...............

you seem to be next to me, but you seem so far, I know what to do, but I’m just not doing it right, i know i am just supposed to forget about it, I still think about it, I know so many things but i still do it, is this a joke God is playing on me, or issit just that i am just a freak? I don't know how to move on from here, cause too much hurt is involved, if I don’t hurt others, I’ll end up hurting myself. to be strong physically and just a weakling inside is just me. I rather be strong inside. But i have to rely on cigarettes to control my emotions. It’s rotting me from the inside. I despise myself deep inside, but on the outside, i seem so strong? So happy? Why? What’s with all these fake smiles? why do i need so many personalities, sometimes when I’m in a group, all seems fine till I think of something negative, its really difficult to forget about it. But I have to stop it. I really want to cry out loud like girls or babies, but I can't. This pain inside eats up my soul. I hate it all. I keep saying I can rise up when i face any obstacles, but it’s not as easy as it seems. I try not to remember the story of the donkey who shakes of all the dirt that’s being thrown on it told to me and the rest of the Whitley kids, but life for me now is not sand, a few million tons of gravel, and boulders are crashing down on me, and i can't carry it, but I pretend I can? What is this for? Sometimes death seems like a luxury. No worries, no trouble, no sickness, no partings, no danger, no fear, my family is the reason are the reason i am still living. My friends can just forget me in a few weeks, but the pain my family will feel, will so painful. The pain of waking up and remembering my father is gone is such a pain. Don’t say you try not to say it in front of me, when you are already saying it. It’s painful. It cuts me deep, and its something time can't heal. I just cannot get into a relationship now. Its too painful thinking of the parting process. i will just wait for the right, and only one. I can't feel hurt anymore. I can't carry anymore boulders. If not I will really crumble. Failure is not more an option. I have to set my priorities right. It’s just too painful to fail once more. I am bleeding so much I can't bleed anymore. I feel just like a zombie. Being in reality, living in a made up world. Seeing my friends being happy makes me happy, at least I don’t have to worry for them, as least i don't have to worry they will suddenly need me. I just know i need to save myself before anything. This weight on me is so heavy. Only praying to God relieves some of these unbearable burdens. I don’t any help, and pity. I just want to be myself again, even if was to be just a day i will be glad. And on that day, i will sing for joy, and dance with passion together with God. Until that day comes, I will never be at ease..............

this post is written and has no meaning to some, or seems stupid, because its not something all can understand until you meet death or lost your soul through a bond which is arrange by the realm you will never know till you pass this phrase you go through. but in any case, DUNN READ THIS POST, ITS TOO LONG. IT’S ONLY FOR MY EYES TO READ IN A FEW YEARS TIME. BUT I POST IT SO..... that some can read and learn what i paid a heavy price for.

its just goodbye, not the end

2009-01-07T14:18:00.007+08:00

You are just like an intoxicating poison running through my veins and clotting up my head.
You are something I would like to quit forever. Staying away from you is definitely painful, but if i go deeper into it I will hurt myself. Don’t blame me for ignoring you. Its not like I want to, but if I don’t, I will fall deeper into this damn mess. I don't want to fail once more. I’ve too many of my own battles i need to struggle with. A struggle I cannot shoulder alone. Even though I know you mean to help, but you are more of a menace than a guardian angel. Those feelings you send to my brain, my body causes me joy, but also hurt. I’m sorry this might have to end this way. I guess this is the best option.

TO: Mr. Ciggs and "MY" dearest friend.

Please, i hope you will understand how I feel after reading this. Hope all will be fine for you always. The problem is with me not with you. You are perfectly perfect in my eyes, and i do not want you to suffer with me.

2009-01-06T11:48:00.002+08:00

school is starting soon, and the thought of going through orientation all over again is crap :/
and i still have to go to school on the 12th and do nothing in the libary... like crap man.... yesterday was kinda fun. haha!! watched ip man. adn i embarrassed myself. firstly, i went to the counter, i smiled confidently at the lady and i said "can i have 4 tickets for I.P. man?" then she replied me "4 tickets for YIP MAN right? " she purposely said the YIPMAN slower...... damn it was so embarrassing-.-" IP man is a nice show, with complicated wing chun moves. wingchun is a martial art with many twist and turns on the hands, and fast punches. a really interesting martial arts.

i woke up today with a bad sore throat. damn!

2008-12-31T23:12:00.002+08:00

well, the new year is coming, and the old coming to an end, a sense of nostelgia just creeps in. not with a boom like i thought it would have. every year so far has seem to get tougher and complicated. its been a year when i experienced many ideas and feelings i have never felt before. experiences which changes my perceptions of the things around me. i learn to look for my family for help instead of friends. something that has been quite difficult for me till recently. i know how to play a part in the family, and not live in the shadows that has been casted. i learn to control raging emotions which ALMOST completely ruin me. in 2008, i faced much pain, tears and crippling fear, however i manage to pull through all if not almost every adversity that made life not as flowery as portrayed through a child's eye. i've learnt to trust God in everything, and learn to pick myself up after every failure. in the past most of the things that bothered me was about the complexity of searching for my better half. now such feelings are gone when everything goes astray. when all believes and hope is broken. when trust turns to fear, when dreams turn into nightmares, when serenity blows up a storm. all i want is to have peace in my life. this year i haven't been studying, due to the immense pressure, i've to undertake. this year, i had

-a tumor in my head that had to be removed through operation
-a big knock on my head by a certain bastard which had to have me hospitalised for a night
-frequent tremmors on my litte finger that had an operation
-having 5 night in a week busy for 8 months to have activities that cause me much time/energy lost
-i had a cut on my eye(the black part) and still have a scar on my eye
-i have to spend 4 hours(min) every weekday on trasportation which waste alot of precious time
-i fell sick on promos, down with high fever
-the have constant nose irritation of i don't smoke and that sucks
-i have to retain 1 year in MI and i am contemplating RP...
-i am facing a court case which just runs me down crazily,and the journey going to court is so painful emotionly that the night before every trial, i keep having sucidal thoughts. and these thoughts comes from this little voice inside which asks me to end it all with death. kinda crazy as it seems, but true.
-i lost alot of money from the taiwan trip which i was forbidden to go due to court bail.
-have to spend a lump sum on lawyer fees.
-time restrictions which i haven't had since p6......
-recent lost in confidence when teaching taekwondo.....

however the highlights are
- hold a greater responsibility in taekwondo class
- made new great friends
- learnt to play drums officially
- been to 2 winter countries this year!
- was able to play drums in front of other country people on foreign ground
- managed to have my ex-conductor like my drumming and choose me to play more difficult pieces, and giving me alot of guidence in drums and favouring me over my seniors(who does drumming also) haha!!!
- learnt many new moves in fighting which are cool and effective.
- donated the most amount of money in my life this year
- grew more muscles!
- managed to see the beauty of japan and australia
- able to be more mature

well the new year resolutions are
1) slim down
2) get good grades and be top student since i have another year to do it again -.-"
3) win in taekwondo competition
4) hopefully get aquited in court case at minimal cost
5) go taiwan next year for training
6)be less violent and be like Jesus!yea!

well its like 2359 now so yep!

DESTINY VS REALITY;ouch!

2008-12-28T23:23:00.003+08:00

everything seems to be inexpicable. after answers have been answered, more questions spring up again. tv shows all kind of things, something that caught my eye was the shoe the 'last emperor of China'. as a chinese, and knowing well i have roots in China, i began to watch the show, as i watched, i began thinking about my ancestors bowing down to the emperor on the tv's ancestors. with that, i felt Puyi was very poor thing. he fell from grace. he was seen as a king, a dragon, a God, but he fell from grace, and in his later part of his life was even a garderner at the beijing botanical gardens. well, it made me think and understand that another persons decisions can affect another, and everyone here on earth has a purpose. some have a purpose to die, some have a purpose to lead, some have a purpose to dream. well wad ever the purpose is everyone has a destiny to fulfil. puyi was 'chosen' to be a king, so he could be a puppet for the emperess dowager. so believed that she could 'train' the king when he was young. but when puyi became 'king' she died a week later, so her decisions lead to a result hopefully all of us know. well it was destined that puyi was born to be a pupet. his childhood was restricted by rules and regulations. when he was older, when he got abdicated, and placed back into power for the second time, he thought he was going to be king, but still he was mearly a pawn for the other polititians. when he got helped from the japanese, the japanese also used him as a pupet emperor to get part of China.(munchuria-- the place with abundance of raw materials). when japan was forced into surrender, puyi, wanted to go to japan to hide, but he was captured to the ussr, and was caught as a captivive/war criminal. then he was sent back to china for reformative trainings. puyi was destined to lead a life of confiment, never to be able to step up the throne for long. guess God is trying to say, even if you are king, you cannot still win God. well all this destiny is all planned ahead so perfectly, just as for Jesus's birth and resurrection. destiny has already been written, but it is not fixed. only man believe it is fixed, and causes it to be fixed. ok an illustration for this would be that puyi only thought of himself and wanted to get back to the throne which he believe was his. he never thought of what his actions with collaborating with the japanese would have done to his people. he need not suffer in ussr and in reformative centre for 10 years. well, destiny can only be changed by man who can do what other man cannot, and with a dream of changing an event/reality into something much more rosier than what fate has to bring. it took me long enough to understand this cliche line which only happens in dramas, but it is so true. an illustration to this with maths would be

man's actions = reality
man who can change reailty = miracle.

God designed man to be such, and has written fate to be as such. and to change fate, one has to be like God , & not behave like mortal man, so destiny can be changed. because man is not perfect, and God is perfect. God written our fate, and to change it, without harming anyone (in the process which many have tried), you've got to be like God, ever so perfect& flawless. and to be like God, you got to pray to him and get his blessings and grace to help you change this reality, and read the word of God in the bible, and gain knowledge on how to do so, and to make life the life Adam and Eve led before satan deceived them with the fruit of knowledge of good and evil

But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil
thou shalt not eat of it:
for in the day that thou eatest thereof
thou shalt surely die.

Genesis 2:17

well, today was a day alone at home, reflection without any abuse of any nicotine and alcohol, i think it is productive. moral of this long beat around the bush post is pray and go to church and also read the bible. God bless cheers!

2008-12-24T00:10:00.014+08:00

REFLECTIONS
long gone is the youthful glow i possess-ED. every festive season and celebration this year seems like endless pain more than joy. hoping that the following year would be a much better but the total opposite happens without fail. it seems like an unbreakable curse, a venom which runs deeper and deeper. when jokes just sounds like my mum nagging, and quiet-ness and peaceful-ness seems like heaven. deeps thought run through my mind all the time. the heart seems to be only beating, and not feeling much positive emotions. fear, insecurity, uncertainty, pain, tired-ness overwhelms me. prayer brings solace, drinking takes away the painful memories for the night, smoking temporarily destroys all my emotional burden as well as my health. And music, gives me more space in my brain to think. living in self-denial and beliving that a fake smile would help bring me through the day as it has for the past few years, but it just backfires each time i try to tell myself it will be ok. God gives and God takes. the taking away just causes so much pain inside the skin, so much so i dare not receive anything good.

people keep asking me 'how are you? how have you been?' well its hard for me to answer. well the answer is obvious, but what i reply is managable. well in fact this is not. its really difficult to go through this alone. if only there was a restart button to just start all over again. but even if there was, would i still do it? regret is all about things you didn't do, not about things you have done. i try keeping optimistic about things like i have been doing for the past 17 years, taking life easy, but i've been taking it too easy. now its karma biting. the world is a complicated world, and many things are not what they seem. justice seems fair, but somehow it is not. recession seems like a normal process in the economy, but somehow it is not. fate never fails to land a blow on me to make me bow down unwillingly. man can only have a chance to fight fate with money, but not even a chance to win. without money, you don't have to bother even about winning cause you won;t even get a chance to fight fate. no matter how good a fighter you are, you can't fight fate with brute force.

too many battles are going on inside. i can't seem to be able to gain composure of myself most of the time. i cannot even fight the addiction which is bringing me down physically and psychologically. if only God listens to my ernest prayers to carry me through this winding road, and make the path straight. but i believe He has His reasons. life isn't easy, but to get through it as a sucessful person, you will need to get over every obstacleyou face, and use it to clibe higher instead of having it to stop you from moving ahead towards your goal.

2008-12-23T23:57:00.001+08:00

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

twilight final dance song- flightlessbird, american mouth

I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth
Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth
Big pill stuck going down

summer scent

2008-12-18T23:29:00.005+08:00

well i spent the week watching my first korean drama which mummy borrowed for me. i must say its really touching. the the idea or celluar memory is fascinating! the show progresses very slowly, but still,it is a great show. Son Yeh Jin is really pretty! gosh! she has that super innocent look! gosh! the the upclose shots of her during the movie made the show an even better show. ok here is the story line from wikipedia

summer scent storyline-

Yoo Min-woo's (Song Seung Heon) first love was Soh Eun-hye (Jo Shin Ae). However, Eun-hye gets into a car accident and dies, but still leaves a usable heart behind. Another character, Shim Hye-won (Son Yeh Jin) has suffered from a terrible heart disease ever since childhood. Miraculously, she finds that she will be obtaining a heart from a donor, the lately deceased Soh Eun-hye.

Suffering from the pain of a heartache, Min-woo goes to Italy to study, with the memories of Eun-hye still resting in his heart. When he returns to Korea, fate takes a turn and brings Hye-won and Min-woo together. When the two first meet, Hye-won's heart (Eun-hye's heart), oddly beats faster when she is around Min-woo.

Park Jung-jae (Ryu Jin) is Hye-won's boyfriend. Park Jung-ah (Han Ji Hye) is Jung-jae's sister and she meets Min-woo in Italy and falls for him.

Hye-won doesn't know why or what she feels when she's with Min-woo. Min-woo feels guilt toward Eun-hye, because the feeling of love rises once again as he continues to see Hye-won.

i think i'm gonna watch all of Son Yeh Jin's shows!!!! i ain't gay but Song Seung-heon is also hot!
i am gonna watch all the other series! there is Autumn Tale,Winter Sonata,Spring Waltz! cool ehh! all the season series!

qoutes from the show:

'What are the Similarities between Love and a Train?' Hye Won asks Min-Woo on the Train He Replies, 'It shakes like this?' 'It has a meeting and a parting.'

'What are the Similarities between Alcohol and Love?', asked by Min-woo in episode 8. Hye-Won answers 'they make you lose control.' 'Sometimes they give you courage.' 'They make you intoxicated.'

haha!!! ok i admit! i've became a hardcore korean/cantonese/chinese drama crazy freak! lol!

the starting song of the show. the beat of this song is very unique, it goes in the order of 1heart beat, 2 heart beat 3 heart beats, then 3 heartattack beats! haha!!

forgotten photos

2008-12-15T00:23:00.004+08:00

well,got to practice my photography skills, above a high way tunnel, it was thrilling&illegal. didn't have time for the up load till now:D jonathan, please comment for all except the last 2! haha!

looks like some perfume add photo to me

some nice shots on the way to newton:P
dangerous
illegial
thrilling
take note of hokkien mee
spot me

project killing solace freeing the captives

2008-12-14T23:54:00.002+08:00

this has been a week of excessive smoking and drinking. being confined at home isn't a great feeling. i'm not really being set on probation, but i'm just afraid that i might just do something extreme, so i confined myself at home except for gym, swimming and taekwondo. this week has been another week in hell. luckily mummy got me korean dramas from her friend. so i just watch korean movies which makes me scream and all like a little girl. gosh, i must say there is a thrill in korean dramas. the un expected kissing secenes, the walking pass each other without noticing the other person, and the moment before the episode ends. unlike canto dramas, when you are excited to watch the next episode. korean dramas makes you feel a little scared to watch the net episode, cause the sho is too thrilling. the piano songs&beautiful scenery tops it all up. making korean drama so watchable for the first time in my life.

well had a talk with dr teh the other day after taekwondo, he and dr yap were talking about the economy, and that really caused me much worry. well you see, the economy is doing so badly. its something like the great depression in america years ago. but thing now is that. people get credit cards so easily. and people spend money they do not have , making the bad debts more and more, causing banks and institutions to fall. with this fall, people lose their jobs, making their spending capability lesser. with the increasing amout of people with decreasing spending capability, retailers cannot get to sell their goods. thus, people order less stocks, but the factories keep producing, so much so that there is no more storage space. no there is so much cars in the factories , just like the great depression. so the manufacturing company will fire more people, increasing the number of people with lesser spending capability. and this cycle goes on. it will affect other sectors. now its only phrase one, and the world still has more coming up. this is only the starting of an epidemic. well dr teh told me about his life. he is a malaysian, but his family migrated to canada, so he followed. he studied there, till pre-u. but his family couldn't afford his studying expenses, so he joined the canadian army, and he rose to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel. during his time in army, he worked hard, got some subsidy for his university, in which he took human biology, and changed from armor to medic, and he became a doctor after he left the army in canada, specialising in cancer treatments. well i never really spoke to him cause he is a cancer doctor, and i kinda blame the doctor for my dad's death. in any case, we talked, and he encourage me to work hard, he told me about dr yap's success. dr yap, is the ceo of glens eagle, and he is the one who built up singapore's medical infrastructure. well dr yap also started from scratch. they are all motivating stories. but with a court case at hand, all i can do now is just pray to God for mercy and grace.

well the coming friday will be the hearing again.... somehting i dread very much. however, i prayed for courage, and God lead me to the courage i needed- innocence. God showed me a revelation, saying all will be fine to the innocent, and he has great plans for me. well you may think i'm just crapping here, but those who has that experience before will understand . well in any case, i am going to walk in the court with prayers and prayers.

next week will be another unsetting week. well i'll just hope for the better...

is this solace or captivity

2008-12-09T00:15:00.003+08:00

past few days have been living hell for me. i got charged to subordinate court for rioting and unlawful assembly & causing intentional hurt to a person i didn't even touch/know. i got a lawyer to help me fight the case. well all this is karma, it turns and bites. this time real hard. so much so, i lost much money, lost the opportunity to go to taiwan to train, lost so much. most of all, i lost myself in the process. i got locked up in the prison cell, with a drug peddler/addict, a buglar, and i was thinking what have i done to deserve something like those people. i guess the whole world may still be thinking i deserve this, but imagine what i've been through, i can't/dunn dare to play play piano now because my fingers are no more nimble. i was childish then, and i was 16 when it happened, now 1 year plus(near to 2 years) later, when i'm going to be 18, i get charged for something i did when i was young and impulsive. and even so, i didn't habour a thought to kill or hurt anyone. i respect life above anything.

the bible has been my best friend for the past week. i feel like King David and Job from the bible. David and Job were 2 different people, who suffered much injustice. but both of them suffered different tragedies. David was a king, he faces many threats and his enamies just wants him dead. even some of his closest and most trusted people backstabbed him. all he could do is trust in God. Job is a rich merchant. the riches man in his district. he was a blessed man. but Satan wanted to have a bet with God, thus God sent Job out for the test, through the test, God saw Job suffering under the evils that Satan do. Satan killed all his flock(that was their wealth at that time) , gave him some disease, killed all his children. his wife cursed God, and asked him to do so. dispite of all of these, Job stilled kept his faith in God , after which, God mutiplied his blessings.

now, i am suffering. all i had is being taken away. my taiwan trip, my job, the money spent on the law fees, the freedom, being retained by a 3 marks more, injured knee which keeps me from doing taekwondo, my addiction is growing stronger, nicorette just does not help anymore, my sinus is getting more serious, one part of my head hurts like a crack, my body hurts from all the work out at the gym(the only thing i could do). the whole world seems busy and i am so free, but tied down with ristrictions set by the court, with a maximum penalty of 5 years and 6 strokes. i feel like Job all is being taken away from me.

secondly, the police, put weird and crazy charges on me, saying i cause intentional hurt to a person who suffered skull fracture. firstly, i didn;t touch that person, and i do not have any intentions to touch him. i get charged for rioting, where there were only 5 people against 20 odd people , how can that be called rioting, and we called the police... i get charged for being part of an unlawful assembly, that means i'm part of a gang, and i'm not. so this is bad. if i should get charged, it should be being stupid to go down and kaypoh=illegal gathering. well expensive lesson learnt. should have listened to justin and jonathan at that time. well at least i'm not so stubbon now. so this way i feel like david, ave enemies trying to attack me from all angles.

tommrrow will be a day at the lawyer's office, well hope all goes well. i just have to end like the cliche endings i usually end with, i have TRUST& FAITH God will shine his GRACE upon me, and bless the lawyer to get me aqquited, and the judge, to be able to see the truth to aqquit me of all the charges. may the Lord shine his grace upon me, may he turn and see me &keep me save.

amen

transposition of g minor to G major

2008-12-05T00:14:00.004+08:00

this is not what i have dreamed about
this is not what i have planned
this is not what i expected
this is not what i want

sufferings after sufferings
prayer after prayer
failure after failure
death after death
pain after pain

it is eating me from the inside
now it has reached the outside
this is not what it was meant to be
failure was not part of the plan
but it seems that the failures are all planned

time passes so quickly that i could'nt even catch what was happening
time passes so slow that the pain won't go
time just made a fool out of me

chances are make
chances are given
chances bring joy
but this time it brings another chance and this never ends

music brings joy
music cures hurts
music is a gift of God
music took my joy caused me hurt but it is still a gift from God

but music still brought me through it all in all

words have a thousand meanings, but only one remains true
until one has been though it all
the true meaning would be Y-O-U

DIS-believing that until the day angels rejoice and the devil cries, that i am free
this curse will breakfree on the day God's grace falls upon me & sets me free.........

2008-11-27T00:27:00.002+08:00

when i thought eveything was going to be fine, when i was enjoying teenage life at its prime, when i could differentiate between right and wrong, when the facts of life spring up to me naturally, when i startto understand more about the world we live in, i get faced with consequences of something i feel is stupid, and regret. what is all these freedom about growing up, its nothing but touble.
i just want to be a child once more, where any wrong you do is just treated as a joke, and no one takes it seriously. the world is far from what you watch on tv and youtube. you get bounded by laws which are dead. and these dead laws control life & future. when all the bad things happened to me, and i need to pick myself up fast enough to pick up the pieces. time isn't on my side now.

i got charged to a sub court, was thrown into a lock up cell, has to cancel taiwan trip, been retained, been retrenched, been hurting my family, and that is the most painful part. i thought bout suicide, but i guess it wouldn't solve things, it would just make things worst. the police are just like those you se in ancient chinese movies. they force you to sign, and there is no way you cannot reject signing.

whatever it is thiS is dumb, and i was(maybe still am) STUPID LIKE A PIG/BIRD. but i think this should be over. God wouldn't do anymore destruction

job chapter 6 explains my feeling now. (in latin)if you get it, i am going for it.

1 Respondens autem Job, dixit:

2 Utinam appenderentur peccata mea quibus iram merui,
et calamitas quam patior, in statera!
3 Quasi arena maris hæc gravior appareret;
unde et verba mea dolore sunt plena:
4 quia sagittæ Domini in me sunt,
quarum indignatio ebibit spiritum meum;
et terrores Domini militant contra me.
5 Numquid rugiet onager cum habuerit herbam?
aut mugiet bos cum ante præsepe plenum steterit?
6 aut poterit comedi insulsum, quod non est sale conditum?
aut potest aliquis gustare quod gustatum affert mortem?
7 Quæ prius nolebat tangere anima mea,
nunc, præ angustia, cibi mei sunt.
8 Quis det ut veniat petitio mea,
et quod expecto tribuat mihi Deus?
9 et qui cœpit, ipse me conterat;
solvat manum suam, et succidat me?
10 Et hæc mihi sit consolatio, ut affligens me dolore, non parcat,
nec contradicam sermonibus Sancti.
11 Quæ est enim fortitudo mea, ut sustineam?
aut quis finis meus, ut patienter agam?
12 Nec fortitudo lapidum fortitudo mea,
nec caro mea ænea est.
13 Ecce non est auxilium mihi in me,
et necessarii quoque mei recesserunt a me.
14 Qui tollit ab amico suo misericordiam,
timorem Domini derelinquit.
15 Fratres mei præterierunt me,
sicut torrens qui raptim transit in convallibus.
16 Qui timent pruinam,
irruet super eos nix.
17 Tempore quo fuerint dissipati, peribunt;
et ut incaluerit, solventur de loco suo.
18 Involutæ sunt semitæ gressuum eorum;
ambulabunt in vacuum, et peribunt.
19 Considerate semitas Thema, itinera Saba,
et expectate paulisper.
20 Confusi sunt, quia speravi:
venerunt quoque usque ad me, et pudore cooperti sunt.
21 Nunc venistis;
et modo videntes plagam meam, timetis.
22 Numquid dixi: Afferte mihi,
et de substantia vestra donate mihi?
23 vel: Liberate me de manu hostis,
et de manu robustorum eruite me?
24 Docete me, et ego tacebo:
et si quid forte ignoravi, instruite me.
25 Quare detraxistis sermonibus veritatis,
cum e vobis nullus sit qui possit arguere me?
26 Ad increpandum tantum eloquia concinnatis,
et in ventum verba profertis.
27 Super pupillum irruitis,
et subvertere nitimini amicum vestrum.
28 Verumtamen quod cœpistis explete:
præbete aurem, et videte an mentiar.
29 Respondete, obsecro, absque contentione;
et loquentes id quod justum est, judicate.
30 Et non invenietis in lingua mea iniquitatem,
nec in faucibus meis stultitia personabit.

this always happens

2008-11-15T22:42:00.002+08:00

well finally had a day off today... managed to get a breather. well work was really stressful. but MNCs really trains their workers. well in a way, i learned ALOT. i managed to see how typical Singaporeans behave. they will scold you no matter what. as if we customer service people were the one who opened nokia. they believe that by shouting, they would get their ways. well there were many times when i really felt like just walloping those people up, but i guess this is how cultured our society is. they will just scold us(mind you all student) valgurities. imagine a 50 year old asshole scolding a 16-17 year old? these people just cannot think. they think their life worths more than others.

these people will just live to regret it. i managed to learn to communicate with people confidently. that is something really important. first few days i was quite scared! haha!! but i tried to keep as calm as possible. well, its really fun, when you try using different mood to talk to people. if you are happy, you get happy customers. you feel tired, you get weird and bastard customers. haha!!! but all in all, i really start to believe what ms shamalla singh say about the aura. it can really affect the other individual, so i try to stay happy all the time to get good customers! haha!!!!! kinda hard sometimes, but i guess i works in a way or another. haha!!!! and also she was right about watches. with watches, you seem to think that time is too slow, and you will idle it away. if you dunn keep one on, you will keep yourself busy, making your 24 hours more worthwhile. haha!!

well i had a day to really sweat it out, went for Taekwondo training! haha!! and i went to PRIME market there to get some stuff. haha!!! then talk to beverly about phones! haha!!!! same line:P haha!!! today at taekwondo, learn manyadvanced kicks almost impossible for the physics of my body,but still i managed to do it. haha!! whole week in the office, i really needed my armpits to stink a little! haha!! taiwan training will be starting soon!!!! i really need to get prepared, and pack my bag! haha!!!! i got 2 salonplas spray ready already! haha!!!! i got pain killers too! haha!!! kiasu yea! haha!!!

well now i feel that i am picking up an old habbit! i keep doing it everyday!!!! 15 of it!!!!! a day!!!!! wtf right! the stress luh... crap. haha!!!! now i have so much going on in me. poly or MI, drumming, piano, guitar, work, money! , future, addiction, knee injury... so much is happening, some not included.. but all the above is enough.. i really need to get back onto the right track.

tommrrow, i'll be working , really tired, but for Taiwan, i need to presevere. my mum dunn let me use angpow $$ i can only use wad i save for this year, and last year working in TONGSHUI the $$.... but i believe God will double my $$ . i have faith! haha!! although i failed many times, i guess i just have to stand firm in faith:D haha!!! cliche but i mean it! haha!!!

2008-11-08T08:42:00.002+08:00

ok . i'm now working in nokia at suntec. haha!!! well job is cool:D and tired! haha!!! well it is fun seriously. and i get to sit down, and thats important:D haha! and i have so much to say, but to lazy to type, so its ok:D haha!!! i got the job because i look better than jonathan!!!! haha!!!!!! so people!!! being fat is the new in thing!! haha!!

2008-11-03T21:37:00.002+08:00

well. i tried to get my audio techica headset fixed, but it can't be fixed, cause of the damage done.. thus, i got a new one there. well they intro to me ALOT of different headsets which i find attractive. there's this award winning headset which removes 85% of outside noise, what the technology does is that there is this microphone, which picks up the noise and reflects it. i find that very cool. i tried it, with many other head sets. in the end, is ettled down for a cliche one. haha! its rather cool. realise there are male and female headsets!!! and the smaller one is supposed to be for the female!!! and the larger one for the guys!!!!! and the one jonathan(buddy), justin(MI) has is the female one!!!! but she said thats ok, in these days guys wear pink and carry handbags, the girls wear pants and keep short hair.

well today was just another boring day of jet li movies.haha!! WONG FEI HONG!!! haha!! well mentally preparing myself for the taiwan trip, which requires me to be fit, which i a still lazy to do anything about my fats. i just need an exercise buddy! i haven;t been going for MMA lessons lately. too lazy. haha!! i have been a couch potato!! craps. ok i swam today.. but thats nothing. and i need to train myself not to fear tepmerature a few degrees above the frezzing/melting point of water in a taekwondo uniform. haha!! anyway, i will be sponsored a new uniform!! with the logo SINGAPORE behind!!!! how cool can that be!!!!! haha!!!!!

not working anytime soon. all requires me to work in december. need to find one that allows me to go for training... haha!

steamboat day with clique dude&dude-lets:D

2008-11-02T21:49:00.025+08:00

confusion of the mind;pain in the body

2008-11-02T21:06:00.003+08:00

the few days have been weird. i haven't been in sync with anyone. seems weird. everything that i had planned perfectly goes wrong. some people just become different. and i don't have the energy to bother about their hurtful stuff against me. perhaps, i've been in my own world thinking of things. sometimes these people just think they have gone through a lot in life. little do they know what they are facing is just part and parcel of life. now with this failure, i just know i can't just sit there and cry about it, instead i have to do something about it. but there are still so many people ranting and complaining about their bad results, some regreting. however thats not the point. the point is that sometimes there can be some people who can only care about their own feelings, and alwyas expect people to think about them. behaving like the whole world owes them something. as if they really need the lime light, that without that attention, they can;t survive. these people can go around making fun of others, but can't take light humor. they know their personality is sensitive, yet they try to act tough. and when they get hit at their achilles heel, they flare up, and start throwing a temper, and go around acting childishly. well, this is the true fact. however, this does not affect me now. now, i need to think about my choices. right now, i weight the consequences already. for instance, if i repeated in MI and i passed year one, but again, if i fail year 2, i would have to leave the school and in the end, i would have wasted 3 year, and not acheiving anything.. if i go to the poly, it would be less risky, however, it would be a less bright future. not part of my plan.

well, this mind boggling thing caused me to think about many things. this also means as i was htinking, my mine kept drifting away to other issues, which just left me disgusted. the past 5 years have been nothing but trouble, and i do not want my next 5 years to be of trouble. i don't want to be thinking like the other teenagers, cause it is just so childish. things about an eye for an eye, about who is more popular, about which celebrity is doing what, gossiping, looking for the better half. well, i just want to think at the next level, about my future, about changes, about choices, about power, about life, making friends with people who can just have a clean and interesting talk with me. sometimes normal talks can be boring, that is when sexual humor comes in, but it really sucks. sometimes another type of humor comes in, which is really bad. the humor of laughing at the weakness or plight of another. they must laugh at people's mole, people's disabilities. in one way or another, everyone has done that before, things like making fun of a friend. why can't clean talks just come by, talks about life, about the next step in the choices we have to make, about the world. it will definately beat trash talking. something i try very hard to cultivate.

about that particular person. you suck, and suck big time. you do not know the true meaning of friendship. and do not expect me to answer your calls or call you from now forth, till i'm satisfied. you are just another jealous attention seaker, and i was wrong about you. i had enough. i tried to maintain this friendship but you were just too much for me to handle i guess. i have much to do seriously, and you are certainly not included in my 'plans for the future' trust me. you will not get a better half because of your attitude and its outright scary, weird and disgusting. and i rather associate myself with nerds then with you.

well enough said about the thorn in my flesh. you certainly can just live like how you are living. thats the best curse/swear/scolding/suan-ing (or wadever you call it) i can give you.

holidays arrived like some days ago, and i managed to get some rest. now i just need to rest and earn some bucks for taiwan. thus i need to be thrifty now. no more swensens, holland V restaurants/bars. no more drinking at liquid kitchen with taekwondo mates. no more clothes buying, no more big meals. and instead now hawker centre and home cook food. well, i guess i get to know how it feels like to be broke. haha! well but i believe this 3000+dollars will be worth it. will start working soon, and will start applying for poly asap.

PS:God if you have internet up there, and You happen to read this, please give me a hand here. its hard hanging on alone. my mum and brother dunn/can't help. i have to make so many decisions which i don't have the knowledge to do so. i just believe in Your word that i should trust in You with all my heart and all my soul, and lean not on my own understanding, in all ways trust in You and You will make my path straight. AMEN

a long post. dunn bother reading thanks

2008-10-26T23:20:00.004+08:00

well, i've failed year one of my MI life. all my life, i thought i would be lucky enough to pass EVERYTIME. well i guess this is a wake up call to me in life. i barely scrape through o'levels, and i still haven't learnt my lesson. this failure really got me thinking about what my life would be 10 years from now. i just came to a conclusion that i just wanted to be someone of use to the society, not a pest. i know education gives one the power to make choices. choices which gives us ability to enjoy the fruits of our labour. without choices, life would be living hell. well God created all of us and gave us the ability/gift to make the chioces in our life. if i had made the choice to study hard, i wouldn't be here lamenting of my failure, instead showing off on my success. with a proper education, it would allow me to make choices, and let my dreams come true, instead of blaming and swearing at how unfair life is. my whole life, i never really put my heart into anything, and 17 over years has just passed like that. i felt that it was unfair to me that i had to go through so much others never gone through. i have physical and emotional scars, which will stay there no matter what. it has been like a broken mirror, distorting what i've been seeing. all this made me feel that i should just sit back and relex and expect a miracle to occur, believing that that is what God owes me. i never really worked hard. even if i did, it was all last min. those who know me would know.

Initially this year at MI, i started of doing pretty fine, attaining good grades. However, when the holidays came, i started to slackened, and i fell back behind many. all the way till august when the school anouced there was 20 over days left, i started to feel the pressure rising! but i did nothing, till it was 19 days left, i started tution for H2 subjects. although somewhere deep inside me i knew i was going to fail, but i kept a positive midset, which didn't really help change reality. that was when i knew all the positive thinking and all was just BULLSHIT to keep lazy people have hope. and goal setting for lazy people to have sopmething to work towards. i did some reflection, thought about it. i thought about how my late Dad could be so successful, how he could work till my mum need not work now. how uncle yap(ceo of gleneagles) is so successful. i realise it was because they went the extra mile in the work they did! my dad would make sure his work was neat and presentable even if it was just for himself. uncle yap, he was just to help the taekwondo team with our nutrition. with his status and influence, he need not personally help us be our dietitian. he did it, and even went the extra mile to print out dietry plans for us, and put it into a nice file! and also my mum, who would help me pack my room, cook dinner , do the household chores, ask me about my day, pary with&for me although she need not.

i had not did the extra mile ever in my life! i did maybe 55%, and i'm glad i didn't 'fail' my ''hardworking test''. the most i reached 70%, and i am glad i got a distinction, but in life people put in more than 100% of what they needed to do! they do 200% more, 300% more and so forth, well i just stood there doing 70% and complaining i did so much!!!! i may feel very motivated to work hard now, but this motivation would just fade away just like any other. but there is something i will not forget. i have failed manytimes, and through these many times, God helped me through. each time, the load gets heavier, and heavier. until God has to say ''Gabriel! i have been helping you all this while, i've made you lazy! i've made you such a bum. i have to let you fall Gabriel! you have to pick yourself up from where you've fallen! take that step of faith and walk by yourself! you are no longer a baby, you are a man! '' God is telling me that and i know.

i just know that success goes to the hardworking. i know this failure isn't by chance. its going to be something that will change my life. i really hope i put in more than 100% in everything i do. this year has been a year where i worked hard. even harder than during the o'levels, but i failed. i had too much activities going on! church, taekwondo, tution, CCA , different groups of friends to maintain friendship with. all this kept me so occupied, till i had no time to revise. so next year i will make some sacrifices. i know that they have to be made in order for success to come by. when one door closes(giving up of cca), more doors will open up(doors of success and time). with more time in my hands, it will aloow me the power to make choices. hopefully the choices i make then will be the ones that will lead me to the route of success. till then , i can only pray, and hope that people will pray for me that God will elad me through this period of time. this time, i try to hide my anxiety, fear, weakness and tears from friends . but i guess they will never know the hurt i feel. and i hope that they do not. my friends ask me gabriel are you ok, i could just reply yea, crack some jokes. but as i was speaking i feel this thing pushing my adams apple up into my mouth, and my stomach being turned upside down, making tears gush to my eyes. it really took me quite a while to hold them back. i was really a feat, considering the intensity of the emotion. i managed to hide this from others, but not myself. i guess, this is what i deserve, and i just need to pick myself up. self pity and having others pitying you is useless. what i need now is success. untill then, i must work hard. now i just need a sign to make the choice of1) retain 2)sim 3)james cook 4) poly 5)overseas. well i need wisdom now to weight the pros and cons. so , till then .

i will do well for promos!

2008-10-20T23:19:00.010+08:00

well, today work as marshall for nuh run... earn 20 bucks + a movie ticket haha!!

worked for only like 2 hr+ haha!!!

alright pics are here.

ok tommrrow is the relese of the promo results! i think i did well! yep!!!

2008-10-19T22:02:00.002+08:00

i thought i was fine but it was not

i got lost in between dreams and reality

i do not where to go

pain fear violence sets in

common sense is not so common after all

the world changes so fast and i can't keep up with the way the world thinks

pink for girls, blue for guys seems to be untrue

life seems to be easier with all the advancement in life, but there is greater burdens

true colours are not so beautiful afterall

the power lies in the tongue, yet profanity is common

fighting becomes an art&war seems courageous in today's context

in recession people blame banks for their investments

they expect their money to grow without any risk

they break the economic law of more risk=more returns/loss

when humans lose something they blame others and lament their whole life instead of moving on

because of fear and rejection, people appear courageous in the wrong way

this world is turning into a world that is constrained. whereever you go there are cameras. greed and stupidity causes all of these. if the world is at peace, the world now would be such a good place. if man can be like man and a woman be like a women like what it was supposed to be, this world would not be so mixed up. if violent music is not around humans will be more peaceful. sex has turned into a sport. where people think it is fun. without thinking of the resposibilities which may occur due to negligence. they do not think of the life involved. this is how selfish this world is. people can't give up their seats in pubilc transport, sos much so the government has to put up notices for 'reserving' seats for the needy(piority seats). isn't this shameful? trust me it is. this can't be helped. we are living in an imperfect world, with imperfect people, but a perfect God. Religion seems to be the only perfection we can actually find. but man must just do their best to spoil the only perfection left on earth. all these ranting goes no where. guess this is the only way to keep me from hating the world. well i am not such a dumb person. i won't just sit back and hate this world. i'm gonna do my part to change the world a step at a time. as the saying goes, a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.

gonna start doing what top bankers do. (ps: they learn this from christians! that is confessing!)
top bankers, tell themselves 100 times they will be rich ,they will double the money they are given to invest on! so i'm gonna start this as well! because there is power in the tongue. you are what you say and think of!

so

1) i will pass promos with flying colours
2)i will slim down by 15 kg by 31 december2008
3)i will perfect my drum solo i'm working on
4)i will write another song this year
5)i will become the best fighter in my taekwondo club & singapore
6)i will be able to wear L shirts :D
7)i will be a successful business man
8)i will earn my first million by 25 years old
9)i will impact the world
10)i will completly stop smoking
11)i will not fight with any dumb street punks
12)i will not care about any dumb things people say about me because sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words can never hurt me
13)i will not waste money and spend less than 300 a month
14)i will not be lazy
15)i will earn 5 milion by 30
16)i will have my ideal weight of 78kg by june 2009
17)i will be a marketing director by the age of 35
18) i will get into SMU business courses
19)i will get promoted to year 2 in 2009(meaning be in year 2 in 2009)
20)i will be 180cm before 20 years old
21)i will pass my napha test and get gold
22)i will get 5th dan before 30 years old
23)i will live till 88 years old
24)i will not lose anything ever again
25)i will not spoil any of my belongings again
26)i will not lose my temper
27)i will go home for dinner 3 times a week(at least)
28)i will be top 25 % of the school in academic
29)i will win a gold medal in taekwondo in next year's competition
30)i will be sucessful

ok enough of confidence now. all talk and no action no use. i need to action now. !

gabriel fantasy.

2008-10-18T13:26:00.020+08:00

2008-10-18T12:55:00.002+08:00

alright.. weekends are here... results will be out on tuesday. i think i did well enough to pass. yup. anyway there will be training today. and i have robin's psp to play with!! haha!!!!!

2008-10-13T23:48:00.002+08:00

oh man!! MMA is cool!! its fun!!! i got freaKING summited alot of times...

and no summits to top that up. BJJ is the obbesssion!!! gosh!! there was this russian/german guy!!! he is like 190+cm and 100 over kg!!!! he summit me like so many times!!! at least 5 times!!! gosh!!
i',m gonna train well!! and the thing is that there is this purple belt who is gonna join the mma competition. he summit the big guy!! the purple belt BJJ is like 50+ kg!!!! if you know who is alex wong!! its his size!!!! but he has a very compact body. and he wears the surfing shirt like alex wong...

ok wait BJJ=brazillian jujitsu
MMA =mixed martial arts

ok so i didn't manage to showcase my arsenal of kicks. but i managed to throw a few KO punches straight into the face of all the people i fought with.. of cause i had to hold back my strength. its a friendly match! i had so much fun punching and getting punched. i learned ALOT of puching techniques. i managed to use jab to jab this guy away from me! he is a BBJ guy so i know his take downs are killers, so he come in , i punch his face punch like 10 times!! haha!! i learn alot of techniques!! all of them are deadly!! can break bones, can kill!!! gosh!!!! today was really an eye opener!! well daryl also was quite a pro! he could catch up with many techniques which i coundn't! haha!!!

well, i am going to train in BJJ, Taekeondo, and kickboxing(preferebly muay boran)!! fear me!! haha!! i realise how superficialy my fighting skills are. although i may win some of them, but i'm still not the best. i need to buff up to be a muscle man! i think if i could use my kicks i could have win more people. well, i need to condition my body man!!!!! haha!! alrights!! gotta head to bed

and crap!!! i hae rashes!!! damned!!! it was actually mosquito bites! but it evolved to be some deadly rashes which is larger than my fist!!! unbelievable right!!! trust me!! its scary!! and itchy like crab!

2008-10-12T19:49:00.002+08:00

promos over. did alot of things so summarise

1) went for chalet on thursday, went home on friday. didnt go on wednesday

2) wednesday and tuesday go out with jon and jus. wed only with justin

3)wed morning go boom keng......

4)drink at least for 3 nights. with 2 nights almost KO type(bloody beer belly!!+fat belly)

5)tuesday night go riverwalk eat bakuteh. meet cell group leader.....

6)friday super tired. reach home after chalet slp 2 hours then go watch concert by whitley alumnai with ah kiat

7)sat super shack so sleep and slck till 6, then i get ready go tkd training from 6.30 to 10.. so damn fking tired.. wearing wodden padding!!!!! people one cotton i got wooden+hell lot of fats on me.....then after training slack a bit at target cafe with the rest of the fighters, then go eat prata at prata house. the realise the eye candy girl smokes..so sad. i passed that phrase:D so proud of myself! haha!!!

8) sunday went church.... so tired but service was good. after which lunched.. then i am super duper tired now and i wanna sleep.

tommrrow. slack and maybe go out, then MMA lessons!!! yay!!!! ok for those who dunno whats MMA, its mixed martial arts. very fun. in coorperates bjj(brazillian jujitsu) and strikes from kick boxing( mainly from the sports of 8 limps-->muay thai) . so tommrrow night will be a hell of a tough night i guess. haha!!!

ok then shall sped my time resting!!!

peace:D