{/profile --

its my life

Somehow, these feelings belong to dad. I am really tired. I’m tired of this ritual life. Everything is so mundane, and the problems never ceasing. Suddenly I am not even half the man I used to be. Something went wrong in my life. It feels like 101 seasons that you were away. I need some where to hide. Somewhere to run.




To sum up, fuck you life, fuck you bitch, fuck you sucka and fuck off bastard, my legs will fly right into your face. shuddup





The holidays are ending soon, and soon, ritual life would repeat itself again in my life. I have written 4 songs during this holiday, something that was fun, but people misunderstood it as my attempt of gaining fame, and being too proud of it. Well writing it was just an expression of my emotions and feeling better at the end of the day. but also, while doing something, I want to do my best, and yes, I did received many ugly comments, but then I improve from each failure, although the level of proficiency is still not there yet, but I am still trying. I have been giving up so many times in the past, and I guess now is not the time.







ok on the lighter side :D holidays have been fun! haha! and my probation has 6 more months to go, so i guess i just have to hang in there! haha!


It’s been a long time since I last blogged, well; it’s finally not so hectic now. With the holidays and great friends, but Justin is still in china. Well, somehow there is this emptiness; hey I ain’t gay or anything alright, is it the kind of feeling, where you know in life you could have done something in the past better and things could be better now, but there are no such things, and dwelling in such futile thoughts is just ridiculous. Well, it is really time to get down and start thinking about my future. I am already 18, and I am aimless in life. Where do I go from here, am I just going to be a jack of all trades and a master of none? Writing songs that go nowhere.

But again, holidays are really great, but the probation sucks! haha!


new song click here!


ps: photo is for those who think i have slimmed down. i haven't! so stop asking hhaa!



Basically life has been alright, it’s been kind of tiring, but I guess it’s better than doing nothing. Life during probation sucks. No night life, and with the screwed up curfew, it makes things worst. Well, to clear my hours for community service, I am now giving tuition to 8 secondary 1 students and 5 primary 2 students! Haven’t been hanging out with ah kiat recently, because I am busy, and he is busy too!

Life can be so unfair at time, and the uncertainty still scares me. The hectic life is taking a toll on me, swimming, running and movies are my only escape, not forgetting martial arts and music. Somehow, I feel the satisfaction from teaching. But I am not going to take up teaching as a profession. Exams will be coming in less than 2 weeks time, and I am not prepared. I hope history will not repeat itself this time.


my youth wasted because of this dumb thing. Well, summary: life is a bitch

The word just isn’t right,
The soul isn’t light.
Why do I have to hide?
Would God just let me take flight?
If only I could roam the night
The world would seem so bright
Problems are squeezing me too tight
I only I could just fight
My mind wouldn’t be in such a site
Until then my life begins as i had died



The way words can be used is just so mystical. The trouble life brings is just beyond what I can bear. They way my mood affects my thinking is just a catastrophe. If life holds more than money and looks, life would be just perfect. Being perfect in this world is so impossible. Danger lurks, and I wonder how long more I can hold on. The perfection I dream of is purely impossible. The photos of those I know in a columbarium is more than I ever imagined I knew. Seeing them just makes me feel that life is fragile. The frail tears in my eyes which will flow out instantaneously if I spoke a word; the thought of it makes me think of death itself. Death seems like an escape; a bonus. Bearing pain all the time is totally insane. Leading a life so mundane and painful, is there something more to this provincial life? An aim which is may help excite my passion and enthusiasm. But ironically, I wouldn’t bear to leave this world without achieving something momentous.


If only I could paint miracles, life would hold some meaning. The truth is as a mortal, there is a limit to what I can do. And as a mortal, the feelings faced are not the fantastic ones. They are the melancholy ones, the type of emotions people would never want to experience. Reality is so harsh that it is taking a toll on me. I only see superficial love, childish mindsets, absence in charisma, and behaviours which youths deem as appropriate, but in reality, socially unacceptable. The idea of going for the looks is totally injudicious. Most of the world’s population see females only in graphic terms, and few left are only monks, priests, respectful males, and the mentally challenged. As for me, I put on a facade and speak of females in graphic terms, which leave me at the end of the day; confused.

Eventually, the equation of love just became; love = sex, until I thought of what I thought of myself as the most successful person in the world, who I would want to be with, if, I could pick anyone, but only one. I believe external beauty will fade away with time, and internal beauty will stay on forever, it will be the internal beauty, the good things we do that people will remember us by even after death. You hear the tales as old as time, the cliché endings, and when you were younger, those were not my dreams, and my dream was to get the latest and coolest toys or games. Until now, the bed time stories my late father reads to me, is my dream; finding my own happily after, not some ending which can’t be a bestseller if it is a story.


Well again, the mysteries fate has installed for me never get thrilled when ever something bad happens, and it is just so mundane. If only I could paint rainbows and butterflies with words, and be the master of my own destiny, and control over things that could or could not happen to me. Only time will tell of all the shit and giggles. A recent finding shows that I have a fear of the uncertain, I used to believe I could do anything, well, reality tells me this is rather impossible.


Believing in myself once again, is weird. Believing God will be there is a comfort, but if He only shows me miracles instead of trials and tribulations. If only plans worked out right and God is by my side, i wouldn’t be in this plight.

Well, it’s basically back to reality after the long half a year break. Life in RP has been more enriching in MI, but I sure do miss all my friends in MI. The ‘uniform’ days, the days I bathe in school every day, the abysmal food. Now in poly, where there is all this autonomy, having self control is not easy. Again, I’m back to being someone I am not. Portraying an image that is not me, pretence is easy, but it hurts the conscience. Well on the lighter, note school has been fun with the dress code themes, the birthday parties, the dancing in class, the movies to be watched.

The most excruciating part is when people ask about my family and about the scar on my hand. It’s a fraction of my life I would like to get rid of physically and physiologically. I have been given this second chance to start all over again, to be apposite and pleasant, and to be the paramount I can be in school. I have been trying my best to do well in class, but sometimes, when there are physiological controversies, it will seem really awkward.

I seem to lose myself every time I’m in school, at the end of the day I need to ask myself who I am. And music strikes a chord of what is reality. Being in such a big school and trying to dress proper is just so arduous.

I joined a CCA called jammerz arena, a cca where they audition and recruit musicians, and form bands out of them. Well, I auditioned as a drummer and got in. Well, an achievement to me :D well, this is just the first battle. The war is not over. I still have to improve myself in what I am doing, being committed to the instrument. Something I can never do.

During this holiday, I would need to have a break from reality, and relax. I would be teaching English for my community service. And I have 80 hours of it. And for that I would only cover 16 hours for it. And i would be helping some charity show, I would cover my hours.

All in all, life is good, but I am confused. End of story. Haha!

today i met the director of water polo boys while smoking, and i met steven lim and he blow kiss me wtf! he ask me want to act a not! its like wtf people haha!!! i will be more specific in next post as school is draining me! haha!

I spent a lot of money today....
First I met ahkiat first a movie, we watched fast and the furious 4. Well all I can say about the show is 2 thumbs up. It’s a show that keeps me jolted in my seat. The stunts and music in the movie is remarkable. The plot is also interesting though and the crimes ingenious. It’s definitely a show not to be missed. Though I’m quite late in watching the show, and praising the show as if the whole world hasn’t watch it, I think I really enjoyed it. Next, I followed ahkiat for his lunch, and all I can say about the weather is that the heat is freaking intense. I wonder how people can still wear jeans or long pants nowadays. Walked around J8, and got myself 2 pairs of shorts: D one black one greyish white. Just some clothes to be part of my unofficial ‘school uniform’ its tough dressing presentably everyday with limited clothes. With the people dressing in poly as if they are parading in a fashion show. Later, I headed to square 2 to get a new wallet and a new belt. I got a white belt again because I love white belts, and my white belt turned into a dirty stained old belt.
And the worst thing is I LOST MY HOUSE KEYS! It’s like so freaking important!!!

Anyway, school has been alright. Just that one of my friend said I looked too fierce in class that people dare not approach me. Well occasion 1 of the impact of my fierceness. The whole class was arguing about the point’s allocation. Once I open my mouth, all stop vie-ing and shut up, and there was total silence. Well not all of them are still afraid of me. Am I so scary come on man......? I got the neatest and shortest hair cut for a guy in class! I don’t dress beng-ish. I don’t speak in broken English; instead I speak in perfect English with proper pronunciation and advanced vocabulary. This is weird. Well at least those in my group before knows I’m a nice guy! Haha!
So far I am still able to keep to my goal of being hard working. Hope this lasts long!

{/tagboard --

i think they call it freedom of speech

{/links --

ctrl + left click

{/archives --

If everyone howled at every injustice, every act of barbarism, every act of unkindness, then we would be taking the first step towards a real humanity

{/credits --

{/miscellaneous --

my virtual barang